Saturday, February 16, 2008

sniff, my raw emotions are being ripped

Well @#)($@.

My sweet E has a Girl Scout event tonight - it's sleepover at a science museum about 40 miles from here. I helped her get all packed up and ready to go with her sleeping bag and spending money and toothbrush, all lovingly and neatly packed in a duffel bag (I *so* remember taking these kinds of girl scout trips myself.). I brushed her hair until it shone and put it up in a clip (she has gorgeous hair when it's brushed.) I made sure she had something to eat. She was silly and chatty as we drove up to the meeting place.
As I was signing the permission slip and chatting with the leader after she got into the car she'd be traveling up to the museum in, she slipped out of the car and ran back to me just sobbing. Yes. It ripped my heart out. To my credit, I didn't sob back. It's not like I've never seen her sob before. It's just that...I've been seeing her as so grown up lately. This was a big slap in the face to me that she's NOT. Yet. She's still my little one that still likes to sleep with me and still has that precious little-girl voice, she sings when she's sitting in the car, and loves when I play board games with her. She and needs me to listen to her and she counts on me more than anyone else in the world. For now.
I promised her that I would come and get her ANY TIME tonight if she needs me to, and I made sure that the leader had my phone number recorded in her cell phone. This has hit me harder than anything has in a while (sob). E usually seems mature and together and even-keeled. She's my sweet little rock. To suddenly realize that behind all that, she is really just a little girl that still needs her mommy is overwhelming to me. Because *I'm* that mommy and being a mommy is a scary big deal.
So I came home with a huge, gigantic lump in my throat and tears just behind my eyes...which wasn't helped much when I saw the big party going on next door at my friend's house...that we weren't invited to. (See, I think we don't so much fit in with the "fun" crowd. What EVER.) So I'm having a very sucky evening and feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling hurt, and mostly, I miss my daughter terribly. TERRIBLY. Is it bad that I'm *hoping* to get a phone call from her??

Update: her leader called and said she's doing better now, though she was panicked when they got there. She'll call to tell us goodnight before she goes to sleep. I miss my E!!!! I swear, we're going to do nothing but cocoon the rest of this long weekend (President's Day weekend). Nothing but games and fires in the fireplace and homemade soup and walks in the park.

OK. Update 2: This is so WEIRD. DH and Q were watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel just now. DH called me in urgently. An ex beau of mine was on there, talking about giant bubbles in the ocean and methane gas and the sinking of ships in the Bermuda Triangle. How weird to see him on the Discovery Channel (in HD noless!!!). I explained to Q who he was and we listened to him talk for a while. He looks ever so much more "normal" now than he did back then with his sombrero hats and leather boots and hand-made ponchos. This is someone that I was friends with during my grad school years who was interesting and unique and fun. He was very interested in me as more than a friend, but I just couldn't go there. "I think I made the right choice," I said to Q. Q looked at me. "You love Daddy!" he said. "You didn't have a choice!" Indeed.

Update 3: (from Sunday morning) E called late, late last night in tears because she missed me. She said they were locking the building in 10 minutes and could I come get her? (again, this is about an hour away from home). I think I talked her through it. I was worried about this sleepover from the beginning, and with good reason. My instincts really aren't half-bad. Sigh.

5 comments:

J said...

ooh - what an evening you had.

I'm glad you got E through the sleepover.

And the party? We've been on your end more times that I can count. I totally feel that. A worse situation was when we tried to give a party three years ago (thinking I need to have a party in order to be invited to parties), and all but one couple we invited said no. We canceled and went away that weekend. Ouch.

So funny about your ex-beau!

Hope E comes home from the sleepover all bubbly and that today is great.

Kanga Jen said...

Thanks, J. You KNOW I would have come to your party!!! You would have had to throw us out at the end of the evening.

We'll party like mad this summer, how about that??? ;-)

Holly Jahangiri said...

Is she home now? How was the sleepover? It's funny, K. looks back on the 5th grade trip to Huntsville and Space Camp with great fondness - one of the BEST times EVER - but she was NOT a happy camper at the time. She was snarky and tired when she got home. But sometimes, it's worth it in the long run. She admits, now, that she's not very good with these things IN THE MOMENT, but always looks back on them and remembers only the good parts.

Kanga Jen said...

Holly, well hopefully that'll hold true for E as well. She came back excited about several things they did, and her leaders told me she did fine after the initial panic when they got there (and the bedtime call to me, which I'm not sure they knew about since she used the cell phone of the leader's older daughter to call me). She hung out with Sam, the older girl the whole time, rather than girls her own age, but I suppose that's just par for the course with E.

She has another one in a few months at a planetarium, and she's already excited about going to that one. So, yeah. Funny that K's memory of space camp is so much more rosy than at the time. I think I am kind of that way too. I know I cried and cried at sleepaway camp, but my memories of it are nice ones.

Anonymous said...

We just did the science center sleepover last weekend and K was glad I was with her! I know she would have had a really hard time at E's age. But every kid is different. Poor boo. Weirdness with the ex. Mine does the science portion of the Nj public channel 2x a week. So strange...:-)LT