Friday, September 30, 2011

Falling apart, redux, redux, redux, etc.

For the last five months or so, my family and close friends have been listening to me complain about how busy and overwhelmed I am (and they have been very patient about it, I must add). The story goes: I burst into tears at random times. I have trouble breathing sometimes (literally and figuratively). There is NO MORE SPACE left on any of the little squares in my calendar planner. I have to write in the margins! I often forget to make dinner for myself and my family. I have forgotten how to have fun during all this, and, and, and, I know I'm going to miss it one day!!!! (let the panic build-up ensue!!!) Wail, wail, tears!!! (So far, I have not forgotten to pick my children up from any activities so that is a good thing).

Anyway, today, for the first time in, oh I don't know how long (5 months?), I have a Friday off to myself. I sat myself down in front of the computer and started reading back posts from this blog. (Which was quite entertaining, I must say. I have cute and very funny kids!)

But the thing that struck me was - you could take many of my posts from 3-4 years back and I was going through the EXACT SAME FREAKIN' THING!!!!!! All my bellyaching, all my whining, all my feelings of being out of control...ditto ditto ditto. The only difference is which organization I have sold my soul to (PTA versus Band Boosters) and my kids are older and in slightly different activities. The good part is I don't really remember feeling this frustrated and out of control back then, so I have hopes now that these feelings will not only pass but will eventually be forgotten. Unfortunately, many other things will also be forgotten. I was a little sad at reading the amazing conversations with my kids I documented here on this blog that I have totally forgotten. Therefore, I thought I'd better start documenting again. I'll try.

There are so many various smallish sorts of things that are routine here in my current life that are hidden amidst the chaos, and that are, in fact, somewhat amusing. Things like - Erin's cat Lucy spends 98% of her awake time sitting in the bathtub licking the faucet.

She looks a little stunned and embarrassed when I switch on the bathroom light to find her there once again, like a druggie being discovered at her stash. Actually, it's a bit obsessive of her. More than a bit. If someone leaves the door closed, she lies in front of it with the shakes and in a cold sweat. Personally, I haven't tried licking the faucet myself, so maybe there's something to it...

There are dozens of other smallish things that make me smile ( or that sometimes make me grit my teeth and count to ten). For instance, Erin must be... (let me think of how to phrase this)...the most comfortable "person among chaos" on the planet. As an illustration, this is AFTER she has been instructed to straighten her room (and has, indeed, to a point):

Yet. YET. Before she may use any eating utensil, this child must inspect it with a magnifying glass for any trace of food, waterspots, dust, or scratches lest it upset her delicate sensibilities. And, apparently, I am a failure of a housekeeper in this regard. I have been the recipient of many the condescending look, as she stands in front of an empty silverware drawer, the counter littered with deficient spoons.

I feel much better now that these small areas of light have been documented for my reading pleasure 3 or 4 years from now when I am wiping away tears of panic while wondering how I will survive whatever current crisis is dominating my life. To my future self: Have a cup of coffee!!! It is what it is!!! You are in the middle of the river of life - not drowning, but being swept along in the wildest, greatest adventure there is. And don't forget to leave the bathroom door open. I don't foresee Lucy's addiction going away.