in the words of that sage donny osmond, life is just what you make it

And a lovely time was had by all!!

My parents left early this morning after spending a week hanging out here with us. It was a wonderful, nice, relaxing time and I feel so lucky to have spent time talking and walking with them. I love my parents dearly...and I am so very sad today. Why is it that I (we) must cap happiness off with a dose of melancholy? How silly is that, but how common? How many of us used to feel depressed after Christmastime? Who else still feels a let-down after vacation?

So it's not the existence of some thing or some situation that causes so much sadness, but it is so often the loss of some thing or situation that caused some previous happiness. My sadness/fear over the idea of death is not death itself, but the ending of life, for example...much the way that I feel when I look down to see my wine glass nearly empty (g). So it is that the package of a good time, the package of happiness is wrapped up in some little required dose of loss. Obviously, I find it is worth the expense. But is it really necessary? Is it possible to enjoy the moment without mourning its loss later?

I'm reminded of my favorite line from one of my all-time favorite books: (Contact, by Carl Sagan when the alien species is talking to Ellie)

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares.

We are CAPABLE of so much, we humans. We bring ourselves so much happiness and so much sadness. And most of it is not caused by external events, but is created within our own minds. The same world, seen by two different minds, is capable of appearing beautiful or heinous, and so it shall be. Isn't that amazing, really, when you think about it?

Obviously, there's more than my parents leaving to make me so sad today. It's a confluence of things. Several people I love are ill/hospitalized (my aunt S., my uncle J., my wonderful friend M.Z.'s mother, my wonderful friend H.L.'s father, my wonderful friend J.M.'s brother). I am worried about my beautiful daughter E's hearing. We had an in-office pediatric hearing test done last week that had, um...awful results. I'm hoping it was a matter of insufficient testing (the door was open and all kinds of outside noises were going on). Nevertheless, we're going to an auditory specialist on Friday and my mom worries are out in force. I am sad because I have suddenly found great discomfort on my favorite list of mommies which has been a sanctuary for me for so long, and I decided I needed a break from it to find my peace again. (oh, it's a long story - I'll recount it later perhaps). But the upshot is, it is a big loss for me, and I feel very sad because of it.

The quote goes on:

You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other.

So while we create our own worlds out of what is laid in front of us, while we experience the beautiful dreams and the horrible nightmares and the daily happiness and daily sadness which we create for ourselves, one constant, one comfort, one sanctuary is that we can know we really are not alone.

Ellie Arroway (to a group of children):

I'll tell you one thing about the universe, though. The universe is a pretty big place. It's bigger than anything anyone has ever dreamed of before. So if it's just us... seems like an awful waste of space. Right?

That is my comfort - that is my religion. Many see the "other" as god. Some see it as many gods. I see it as my belonging to the vast wonder of the universe.

I have a place here.

Regardless of the happiness or the sadness that I have created in my mind, my one constant truth is that I belong here. I am a part of this universe. That will not change, despite my seeing the world around me as a source of happiness or as showing the sadness of loss. That I am here is given. How I see it? That is my choice.

David Drumlin: I know you must think this is all very unfair. Maybe that's an understatement. What you don't know is I agree. I wish the world was a place where fair was the bottom line, where the kind of idealism you showed at the hearing was rewarded, not taken advantage of. Unfortunately, we don't live in that world.

Ellie Arroway: Funny, I've always believed that the world is what we make of it.