tired.

J wrote to ask me if everything was ok since I've not blogged for a week.
(Thanks, J!)
Yes, everything is fine. DH was up frolicking in South Dakota again last week at the same time that both kids started baseball season with the requisite need for a chauffeur pulling from only one parent. I doubt that needs any more elaboration, right? (time sink+time sink+time sink = not much time to blog much less finish the baby blanket for baby S who was born nearly a year ago. You know?)

I'm good. Mostly. More than mostly.

But with respect to the "less than mostly" portion of my life that is not so good, I had a bitch session with good friend J.B. on Saturday night, where I lit into my UUs over a glass of wine in her loverly home, and I feel the need to continue in that vein here. I don't know exactly what it is (I know generally), but I am in need of much distance from my previously beloved UU congregation at this point in my life. I think the word is "burnout." I want to make it clear - the teens I'm working with are fabulous. They are inconsistent, unreliable, and unsure, and everything I expect teens to be, but in a good way. That's not what's alienating me. We meet on Sunday mornings and even when I feel like the curriculum guidance is ridiculous, I'm able to pull off some interesting discussion with them, mainly because they are interesting thinkers. They will never tell me something because they think it's what I want to hear. They are brutally honest. That I will not be there next year to watch so many of them in their senior years, making decisions that will start them off of the next phase of life, this is killing me.

It's the rest of the UU organization that's irritating me. The guidance from above that should be there but is not, the tendency to place the teens and other youth in the afterthought position, the negativity from many of those in "higher" (and often paid) positions, the generally selfish attitude of so many in the congregation (i.e., "what do *I* get out of this" rather than "what can I give?")?? Bleah. Besides, my children are increasingly negative about what is offered to them there. My daughter refuses to attend if she has to go to "spirit play", which is the current version of Sunday school for her age group which she views as ridiculously childish, and I have to agree. My son only goes to see his friends. I'm thinking the return on my investment there has become WAY beyond unreasonable. Enough of feeling the judgement. Enough of the expectations placed on myself. Next year, I'm going to use my Sundays to drive up to the mountains with my children and husband with fabulous picnic lunches, and we'll explore our spirituality in a positive, happy way as a family. We're going to feel free and unemcumbered and open to the world. Unscheduled.

Disillusioned. That's what I am.

I wonder...is is possible to have a spiritual community that is not based on fear (fear of hell, for example), where the responsibility really is equitably distributed? What is the imeptus to encourage giving, when that "fear," that alliance to a given set of moral rules, is not there? In a community like UU, where we thrive on "we're all ok as we are", at what point do the givers tell the takers to put up or shut up?

You think I'm a bit irritable? You think?

My cherished daughter convinced me to buy her a new hamster today during a spur of the moment visit to the petstore. We got her, the hamster (Ruby), a wonderful new cage with the best lining and food and colorful tubes and shelves to play on. Daughter E was walking on air and charmed every person in the pet store with her estactic smile. I felt like I was the best mommy on earth. She was beaming more than I'd ever seen. She was in heaven.
Then we got home and while we were putting the cage together, Ruby bit her.
Hard.
Lots of blood.
That hamster doesn't know how lucky it is that I didn't fling it across the universe. Daugher E pleaded with me that she (the hamster) was scared and didn't know any better. With tears in her eyes, she asked me to give her time to learn how to behave. I washed the rather large bit e wound and applied antibiotic ointment and dried the tears from E's eyes and imagined all the horrible deaths I could for that stinky little rodent. But E has faith. She thinks if we give the little beast time to relax, time to get used to things, she will be OK and will learn to love E. She has enduring faith that if she stays positive, that positive things will ensue.

I think, maybe, in times like these when I am ready to throw in the towel, that I might need to step back and take a break but not give it up with finality. Maybe I need to remember that faith is something that all of us use to pull us through. All of us. Faith needn't be limited to a "god" or supernatural being. Faith is necessary for anything that doesn't have a proof. I have faith in my marriage, in science, in nature.

There's no reason not to have faith in a community of reasonable, well-meaning UUs. I think there really are good intentions there, I just think that my version of good intentions and the rest of the communities' versions are not quite aligned at this point.

Distance is good, is necessary.

But overall, it's all good. It really is. And I have a whole 3 weeks with DH before he goes back to South Dakota for another week. (!) (Military moms/wives, single moms reading this, disregard my complaints.) But #()&@!.

Sigh.

For wonderful seester L, here is a youtube for you. :-)
(It is so easy to put these in, I'm embarrassed to tell you the "secret". Look for the "embed" part when you find a youtube you video you like. Copy it and paste it in.)

lots o' cheese

I've been perusing YouTube tonight and laughing my ass off at the cheesy 80s videos. Mare - you were one funny chick in college (and still are).
Do you remember this video? I remember how we used to make fun of John Oates for being always in the background and peeking around Daryl Hall, over his shoulder, trying to grab the camera with his eyes, like a muppet... LOL.



And then I can't watch that video without thinking of the Blues Brothers and Dan Ackroyd. That dance...OMG!!!



There is something so absolutely hilareous about both of these guys - John Oates and Dan Ackroyd. They're the second guy. But the whole flavor of the video is there, and is so funny, because of them. Their background antics, especially with the presenation in all seriousness, balanced against the front guy? It's what makes me spew out my Dr. Pepper all over the computer screen when I watch.

And that's my favorite place to be. I want to be moved slightly out of the lead position but be close enough to grab attention. What a totally wimpy cop-out. I want the glory but none of the responsibility. In the event of a success, it can be because I was a great behind-the-scenes help. If it's a failure, I can claim it's because of poor leadership, which is out of my realm of responsibility of course. It's the safest and most fun place to be.

So these days, as I'm running around setting up committees for the PTA next year and listening to suggestions and complaints from various folks about how we do things, I'm recognizing that I've moved out from behind the front guy. I'm no longer in the position of funny, safe background guy. Dammit, but if we fail, I'm at the wheel. Same for work, too. I'm not peeking out from behind Wonderboy any longer. I've been forced out of my comfort zone and into the realm of responsibility in several different areas of my life. All at once.

Frankly, it's a shame, and it's certainly not as fun. Everyone loves the background guy. How can you not like Dan Ackroyd or John Oates? The little guy, bouncing around and having fun behind the workhorse, making you laugh your ass off - they are harmless and plain fun. It's a hell of a lot harder to be loved or admired when you're in the driver's seat.

So how did I end up here? Good question. I'll have to get back to you on that one. I'm not sure it matters ultimately. What I really want to know is whether I'll be able to return to the Dan Ackroyd place again. Maybe we all have to pay our dues and be the fallguy for a while? I don't want to think that once I've moved out of the background that I can't return. I'm not kidding - it is much more comfortable and a lot more fun there.

In the meantime, here is one of my favorite 80's videos to share. I can so perfectly picture Mare mocking this one (we did lots of mocking in college). When the guy does the weird hand motions with the jerky head movements, I nearly split my pants laughing at the memory of Mare making fun of him. The 80's. What in the hell were were thinking???!!!

I feel so loved

So tonight, being totally exhausted from three straight days of nothing but refinishing floors, I'm sitting on the couch with my *&#$ glass of wine and 'Nilla Wafers. I was hungry (mostly forgot to eat today) so I had a BIG handful of the cookies. I dropped one in my lap. My dog, Roxy, lunged forward and snatched it. (I think she was sitting at my feet waiting for that to happen). I shouted out. (It was my cookie, after all.)

Suddenly, a blur of fur crossed my vision. It was all so fast, I didn't see what happened. The next thing I knew, my cat Sammy had attacked Roxy and had her cornered. There was raised fur, there were throat growls, there was PLENTY of cowering by the canine half. After a several minute stand-off, Roxy slunk off (peering over her shoulder to make sure the feline half wasn't continuing to stalk her), while Sammy jumped up in my lap and comminced purring.

What the hell?

My cat just protected me. Who knew? That animal loves me! I don't know that I've heard of an attack cat before but I cannot imagine any other reason for the attack than he was defending me. Sniff.

tag you're it

I was tagged by my friend J. She's just the most awesome person - I "met" her through an internet email list of moms who were all due to have babies in March of 1996. I missed March by a day, and so did she. Our first-borns arrived on the same exact day. She has always been so incredibly nice to me - I remember very fondly a conference I had in Newport, RI many years ago, where she came to meet me and took me to a winery and then to a beach complete with multiple kites sailing in the wind over the absolutely perfect day. It was one of the first times I'd left my baby Q, and I was discombobulated in a big way, but just her presence was very calming for me.

Anyway, she tagged me with the following question: "What are 5 reasons that you blog?"

Hmmm. Good question.

I blog because I love to write. I love to edit. I love to create. I always have, but have not always given myself "permission" to do it for fun. This blog gives me the opportunity to write creatively, as opposed to technically, which I do all the time at work. I blog to write for myself.

I blog to keep in touch with my family. The world is so large and so small, thankfully. My family lives far away, but through my blog I feel like I'm closer to them. Even when they don't respond, I know they are reading and I feel happy and heard knowing that. I can share pictures of my kids (their grandchildren, nieces and nephews), and know I've not gone overboard in the "proud mama" thing...because they are my family and this is my way of sharing my life with them. I have to have that connection.

I blog to keep in touch with my friends who are my world. I am lucky enough to have friends scattered around the entire globe. Most I have met in person - but some I have not. Some I have known practically my entire life - some I have not. Through this blog, I have a way to stay in touch with this village that rocks my world. It's diverse, it's interesting, it's amazing (I'm speaking of my personal village, not my blog...lol)

I blog to keep myself wondering. I never want to feel like I've got it all figured out. When my sense of curiousity is gone, I will be gone too. I blog to stay curious.

I blog to be heard. There are some things that I feel like I have an important voice on - global warming, liberal spirituality. I don't think I will ever impact the world, but I do have aspirations of touching someone who stumbles upon my blog through a search or a link and finds something helpful.

I am now supposed to tag three others. OK.
Mare.
Mama Moose.
Lynne.

Check out their blogs. They're all very awesome, and I have other blogs just as awesome on my links list.

what I do for relaxation

I'm having a difficult time blogging recently. I've told a few more friends that I interact with on a daily basis about my blog and it has suddenly made me shy. (flutter eyelashes, shift, shift). As a result, I've been trying to thing of more interesting topics on which to blog, and preferably ones that will impress everyone and make them think I'm awesome. This, rather than resorting to using my questionably "exciting" day-to-day life as fodder as I have been for the last few weeks. But, well... I just can't think of anything. CNN is no longer my friend and source for news, so I'm losing touch with what is going on in the world (is that so bad after all?). I logged onto the CNN webpage at one downpoint during work and was so offended by the National Enquirer type bent to the news that I blasted off an email to them (which will have the effect of pelting an elephant with a grain of sand) and vowed not to read them anymore.

So I've given up on finding an enticing topic to write about. I'll save that one for another day. I'm too tired to think right now. I have found the limit of my ability to function and am teetering at the edge of it. Plus my entire body aches.

So anyway, given my breakdown last week from having too much to do, and given this weekend's busy schedule, guess what I decided my next course of action should be? (Keep in mind that I really don't think I'm that much of an idiot. I just act like one sometimes.)



Yup. I'm refinishing our floors. Much too late, actually. The much too late part shows up in this next picture in the form of the dark spots down the middle of the hallway where it's been worn down. But you know, it really doesn't bother me that much so we're just leaving it there and refinishing with new coats of polyurathane to keep it from getting worse. (It doesn't bother me because it would be to the tune of multiple thousands of dollars if it did bother me. See why it's hardly noticable after all?)



So cleaning the floors made me see how horribly crappy the baseboards were, which made the see how horrible the walls were. In a fit, I cleaned the walls with too much gusto, rubbing off the paint (which shows up in that picture too), which means as soon as I finish the floors it's time to paint the hallway. After I put the moulding and rosettes up around the playroom door. It's a good thing worked the equivialent of several days extra last week and banked them away. I think I'll use them this week to remodel the house. I'm a fun date, aren't I?

no sympathy here

Here's a situation for you to imagine yourself in. (This is all totally fictional. Of course!)

You have a day at work where you suddenly realize that all the "talk" about how you are expected to be the leader of your research effort since the original (and very smart and successful) leader has moved on is NOT just talk. You realize in several different ways (which each involve some serious thought and preparation) that the buck stops with you and that whining really only gets in the way of getting the job done. You are exhausted from several weeks of single-parenting because DH has been up in the great white north dancing around in blizzards. (And yes I know that I am really totally wimpy because so many awesome moms that I know are single parents and do this ALL THE TIME. It's just that I am not used to it so being tossed into the fire is burning me.) Um. I mean, in this completely imagined situation, IF this were perchance me...I would be burned.

Your mind is incapable of keeping track of all the things you are in charge of anymore. You have a big science team meeting all week long and you are more than slightly nervous about the fact that you are the go-to person now for your modeling group. A long week of talks and presentations and discussions and working groups is looming (as in tomorrow) fat in the realization that you can't hide in the shadows of WONDERBOY anymore.

Your DH calls to tell you that he will possibly go back up to the great white north blizzard area next week.

You dissolve into tears...in front of your beloved neighbors because your dog escaped the house and you can't catch her. You are found sobbing behind the frying pan as you desperately try to make Salisbury Steak and green beans for dinner because you are supposed to be PERFECT and be able to have it all with no effort at all.

So there's the situation. Here's this fictional mom trying to do too much, to have it all, to be everything. You know what the next step is?

She's nominated for PTA President next year!!!!! Woo-hoo!!! What a great idea!!

Everyone, just pack up all your problems and mail them to me. Apparently, I have such an insanely inflated view of myself that I think I can do it all. Even *I* have no room for feeling sorry for myself. If I'm going to put myself out there in these ridiculous situations, I have to develop the means to handle it. I've got to shut up and just do it.

......whatever.......

For what it's worth, DH was astute enough to figure out that next week was probably a tad too early to head back to South Dakota, so he was able to delay it by a week. He's a smart man, what can I say.

hear me roar

...because I am Mommy.


I had to throw this together for the Dr. Suess' Birthday book parade tomorrow. E chose the book "Eldest" by Christopher Paolini. She wanted to be the dragon Thorn. Gah.


So thanks to $3.00 sweats from the evil retail store, some thin wrapping paper from who knows where, posterboard, lots of tape, glue, safety pins and a ribbon (to hold the tail on), voila. Thorn stands in the playroom.

I'm quite proud of this, given the state of near-panic I've been in this week, trying to hold everything together.

So guess what DH is doing about now?

It looks like he won't be home when he thought he would.

From the Argus Leader:

Businesses, schools and government offices are shutting down early today as the worst blizzard since November 2005 moves into the Sioux Empire.

A blizzard warning remains in effect until 6 p.m. Friday in eastern South Dakota, including the cities of Sioux Falls, Brookings, Vermillion, Mitchell and Huron.

Gah. Poor guy. Stuck in a hotel room...with room service...on good TV night...in a place where it's someone else's job to clean and cook and wash dishes...in a nice peaceful quiet room with no kids, dog or cat fighting for his attention. Yeah. Poor guy.

that crib

When we built the addition onto our house, we had the contractor put plywood on the attic floor, with an easily accessible pull-down stair opening. It's been awesome. We needed storage space in the worst way.

Tucked away into the far corner of that attic is the crib that I used for my two babies. I remember picking it out and buying it from the baby store. I remember the anticipation as I looked at that crib, which was nothing special on the surface, but as I simultaneously felt the rapidly enlarging bump of my tummy that would soon prove to be my first-born while I ran my hands over the wood, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I remember newborn baby Q lying in that crib and cristening his Granny with a well-aimed boy-shot of pee on his first day home from the hospital. I remember baby E smiling at me from that crib while she kicked her tiny baby legs. I remember older brother Q pulling baby E out of the crib when she was much too young for that so they could play. I remember countless nights of rocking infants to sleep and placing them carefully into that crib - onto their sides, of course, supported by the most recent wedge pillows that were supposed to be the "safest for newborns" de jour, under carefully chosen musical mobiles and amongst a few carefully placed toys and baby-decorations of animals (Q) or of the sea (E).

We're done with babies. I know that, and have known that for years. We COULD still have another baby, but the future father of this phantom baby (there is only one future father) is very satisfied with two children. I'm getting older. I'm not sure I would be a very cheerful new mom. We're done with babies.

But that crib is still stowed away in the corner of my attic. All the rest of our baby equipment - the bassinet, the exersaucer, the swing, the bouncy chair - they are long gone and given away to friends. That crib, though, has always held a special place in my heart and I've not been able to let it go.

Well.

Tonight, BIL called. This is my BIL who is expecting a baby in late May/early June. BIL, whose wife is unemployed. BIL, who was laid off from his job last month, is on unemployment, and is hoping to be hired as the air conditioner guy for his apartment complex. BIL who was commenting to me how horribly expensive baby things are - and in particular, how expensive cribs are. BIL, with no savings, in income, limited prospects for future income.

Sigh.

What can I say? I told him not to worry about cribs, that he could use ours. I said this as my heart clamped shut. For goodness sake! Tell me what good this crib is doing gathering dust (and probably mouse droppings) up in the corner of our attic? Should I be happier having it rot away, using up space, or to have it shelter a new little life? Logically, it's a no-brainer. But my face falls every time I think about pulling that crib out of the attic and figuring out a way to get it down to Georgia. That crib was part of one of the most magical periods of my life. I hold onto it like one might hold onto photos or old ticket stubs.

I know I'll be happy once I meet my new niece and know it's now her first bed and that she shares that treat with two of her cousins. The more I write, the more I know it's a good thing. But that crib is pretty much the last vestige of my life as a new mom...my life with babies, with infants with eyes that were the most innocent and beautiful things you'll ever see, with an attachment to me that made my heart burst, with open-mouthed baby kisses and toothless grins and sleepy eyes that closed at the sight of a paci. My babies.

It's all good. I don't want to go back to those times because I'd lose the kids that are here now. I don't want those babies back, necessarily. That's why I was holding onto the crib. It never changed or grew. It is now as it was then. Blessings to the new infant it will shelter. May she know love.

expose' on the lint of my naval

We've been working on developing our personal "spiritual credos" on Sunday mornings with my YRUU teens this winter. We're talking about the "big questions" (Is there a god? Why are we here/what is my purpose?) and identifying the values we hold most important. It's a lot of naval contemplation, and I'm getting a little tired of it, but the kids seem to like it. They enjoy playing with ideas and searching a little bit. They're pretty sure what they believe, but I see that they're also willing to rethink. They're alright.

As for my own credo, I have reached a place where I think it's less important to spend time contemplating the "big issues" such as finding the purpose for my life, than to just simply "be." I've convinced myself that these big questions are not only mostly unknowable to my little mind, but are probably not even close to the "right" questions to be asking. I think about the gradient between our minds and that of an earthworm and realize there is no reason to believe that intelligence peaks with us. We are as earthworms to something out there. We're not even on the playing field to some portion of life out there. Awesome to contemplate (and to them, I'm not even comtemplating!)

Further, many people have a tough time realizing that it is entirely possible to be spiritual without being religious, much less that it is entirely possible to be spiritual without having any belief in anything supernatural. There's a component out there - a wall, if you will, that we all reach, when we come to the point of no longer understanding. Many people ascribe the unknowable at that point to "god", or to something "supernatural". What we don't understand is that which is explained by god, or by something else "super"natural. I ascribe the unknowable at that point simply to the natural universe - to things that occur naturally which we just can't comprehend with our brains. My spirituality lives in the warmth of realizing that I am a *part* of the universe. That it is teeming with life and wonder and mystery (to the human mind) and my molecules are part of that. I feel the same reverence and "worship" that those who believe in a supernatural do. I do not see that it is all that different, actually. None of us are capable of understanding and we all have found explanations for the unknowable that best suit our minds. Your supernatural is my unknowable is her god is his physics equation.

This is why I love UU, despite all its faults (elitist sometimes, lots of talk, not so much action sometimes, etc., etc.). Despite all that, it is the only place I've found where people don't assume I'm in denial or am close-minded or too cerebral or non-spiritual simply because I don't belive in a supernatural life. My brand of spirituality is accepted as just as geniune and meaningful as any of those that ascribe to an afterlife or supernatural existence.

And that we even have to have this discussion, I think, shows how uncomfortable most of us are. The fact that someone believes differently than I do is not a comment on my own beliefs. I don't think less of A for believing in god than I do of B who thinks just like I do. We're all writing our own stories and developing our personal credos on our spirituality. We don't have to agree. And we can still be valid.

We're just all so damned unsure of ourselves. I think the hallmark of insecurity is bigotry. When you resort to damning someone else in order to validate yourself, then you expose your own uncertainties.

So there you are. we find ourselves all on this bouncing ball of a planet and we can spend our time contemplating our navals or looking out for the well being of each other or simply enjoying the warmth of the sun when we lie in it. So many ways to live, and just one life (that I know of). What an awesome place this is.

moving along

I don't normally get very into things like the Oscars anymore now that I'm an "adult "and all, but I am so ready to drink several glasses of wine, get into my jammies and curl up on the couch to watch them tonight (I've already started on the wine). The fact that B&K are moving is becoming more and more real, and I'm oscillating between being sad and being totally pissed off (at who or what, I don't know. It's pissed off without any particular direction). In any case, I'm in the mood to remove myself from reality for just a little while. Their daughter L was here for more than 24 straight hours this weeked. She and E played and giggled and snuck into my makeup and watched movies and giggled some more and lived in a fantasy world of horses and pink and puppies that only 8 year old girls can inhabit. They are going to miss each other so much. And that doesn't even get into the whole me me me thing, in which I will miss my friend K so much. Shit shit shit. Neighbor M - thank you for showing up when you did and moving in right next door to me. Don't go anywhere. I need you. This means YOU.

So apparently I'm going through a mini-mid-life crisis. After cutting about 3 or 4 inches of my hair off myself (it's really not so bad - it was much too long before and it looks pretty good now, if I do say so myself) I went and did this:



Hope that photo doesn't gross you out being that my ears are still kind of irritated and red. I already had two holes on each side and went for three. At least I'm not buying red convertables eh?

Hey, I had an enjoyable night last night. We had a movie night with my YRUU teens, in which we snacked on veggie pizzas and watched Boys Don't Cry. What an awesome movie. Hilary Swank is such an artist. When I screened the movie before our movie night, it was so upsetting to me that I had to pause it and get up to leave the TV several times. I had serious doubts about showing it to the kids - not because it's a subject I think anyone should shy away from (hate crimes against transgender people) but because it was so intense and disturbing. It ended up that the older guys in YRUU were the only ones who showed up, so I was OK showing it to them. We had a very interesting discussion afterwards and I am so glad to know that there are such thoughtful, intelligent, sensitive souls that are perched at the brink of adulthood. It gives me hope. I love these kids. My current plans for next year are to drop this part of my life since I am going to be the PTA president and doubt I'll have room for anything else but I am beginning to realize how much I'll miss these YRUUs. I don't know what to do. I don't want someone else to be the one to shepherd them through their senior year (most of them are juniors this year) but I don't know how I can do everything I want to do. If I could give up sleep I'd have so much more time and would be so much happier. What to do!!??

My sweet DH is off to South Dakota again this week. I have a science team meeting next week that I must must must prepare for and a PTA meeting one night and babysitting for K another night and bathrooms to clean and clothes to wash and babies (children) to care for. Life feels like it's spiraling out of control but I'm clinging to the edges to hang on. Good thing I've got that third hole in each ear to bolster me. Whatever would I do otherwise?