back then

I've said many, many times that I don't pine for the past (including my own). I've been downright annoying about it, in fact. No rose-colored glasses for me. I prefer the reality-colored ones. I'm proud that I'm totally happy where I am, with the age I am, with the ages my kids are, and with where I am in my life. You betcha (as I am learning midwest lingo in order to better communicate with my returning-to-the-midwest friends.) Life is fine in the here and now. The present is where the fun is.

Nevertheless.

Today, I found myself clinging to a deep, deep ache and a wistful yearning for my years as a grad student. It all started because I ended up telecommuting, rather than going into the office. The kids had a short day at school and rather than waste the hour or more it takes to drive to and from work, I set up my laptop in my own office. As soon as I got them onto the bus, I kicked off my shoes, I cranked up the itunes and I totally focused inward to get our model simulations done for our most recent campaign. I was kicking ass in the work-sense. The time just melted away. My back was strained and my eyes hurt and my computer was smoking but I was totally relaxed. It was grad-school revisited.

It was the Tom Petty that really did me in, though. I can't hear Tom Petty without being transported back to grad-school. I remember being in an office with about 15 other students. We were all taking Physical Meteorology and Intro to Atmospheric Chemistry and were just getting to know each other. I had a walkman and when I studied, I listened to nothing but Tom Petty. To this day, it takes only a couple of notes of "I Won't Back Down" or "Freefalling" to drop me right back into that office. Even songs with just that general feeling put me back there. ("Daylight Fading" by the Counting Crows or "Don't Go Back to Rockville" by REM - there's certainly a country side to all these songs, isn't there?)

What is it, exactly, that I find myself yearning for?

There's the plain old fun, of course. Volleyball teams. Post-midnight trips to I-Hop. Mid-day hamburgers at the student center with beers while arguing with my buddies over really stupid fragments of ideas (come up with, of course, under the influence of the beer). Football games. Baseball games. Taking the public transport to movies and all-night diners. Living in a house full of odd-ball people and learning all their odd nooks and crannies. Weekend trips out to the mountains. Life didn't have many boundaries at that point. But my life now is awfully fun too. It really is. So that's not what I'm missing.

It's not the immersion in the science. After all, I am lucky enough that I did actually proceed to have the career I dreamed of. I love science. And I really love the science of the atmosphere. There's never been a more important time to be an atmospheric scientist, in my opinion (not that we have been a breed of scientist for all that long anyway). I deeply believe that the defining aspect of our society today will be global warming. All the societal and economic impacts aside, there is no more exciting field to be my field of study than right now. And I am here!! I have day to day contact with amazingly brilliant people. So, no, it's not the immersion in science that I yearn for. I still have that.

It's not the focus. Even when it's not work, I have never been more focused or busy in my entire life than I am right now. Granted, the parameters were more clear then than they are now. Everyone knows what it means to need to pass a course. I knew what I needed to do in order to pass the qualifiers. On the other hand, "to successfully raise a son and a daughter"? That's oh, slightly more ambiguous. I knew how to find the answer to my atmospheric chemistry homework. I don't know the best way to teach my kids about sex, and the difference in 1) acknowledging it as a natural and normal part of life and 2) that it's not good to talk about it ad nauseum on the bus. :-/ Life is more complicated now, but it is certainly is not lacking the focus.

I think ultimately, it is mostly internal. As a grad student, I was on the cusp of real adulthood. I had picked the way for the rest of my life and I was launching myself in that direction. I looked forward and I saw a blank slate. I was taking the first steps into a journey that I had actually designed for myself. Everything was tinged with anticipation. I knew I loved science and I knew I was taking the right steps to keep me in a place that was exciting for myself. The core of everything was anticipation. I knew where I wanted to go, but I didn't know the particulars. I knew that I was giving myself the tools to go where I wanted to go. It ended up that I didn't end up using the the tools or moving ahead as far as I was capable because I decided it was more important for me to be "mom" too. But the thing is, back then, I had the options. Even with no regrets at this point, it's still bittersweet to remember when I had every option open to myself. I had the choices there for me to pick from, like candy.

So what is it that I miss? The anticipation? The naivity? The new beginning? The opportunities? You know, I think I miss the *feelings* associated with all of these rather than the things themselves. Does that make any sense? I miss the flip of my stomach when I contemplate the future. It's not a loss, it's not a result of regrets, but it's the newness. I miss the birth of myself.

In the meantime, it's nice that I can revisit those feelings through music. And through intense work. It's a part of me that will never disappear. It's not amazingly exiciting or earth-shattering, but it's my life. And it's a life that I love.