This past Sunday, it was a nice, relaxed afternoon and I was feeling good and happy with myself. I sat down and planned a few meals for the coming week and wrote up a grocery shopping list. I threw some kielbasa, onions, peppers and tomatoes into the crock pot with some spices before setting out for a leisurely shopping trip, knowing I had supper under control. (I even remembered to bring my cloth bags with me so I could feel all green and happy and gloat over what a good world-citizen I am.) Basically, I was in my element. I was in control, on schedule, and organized. I was feeling very pleased about myself. Me, the supermom, superscientist, basically good, model citizen and upstanding person.
When I was finished shopping, I was loading up the back of the van in the parking lot. A young girl walked up to me - she must have been about 20 years old. She spoke halting English and was of eastern European descent. She asked me if I lived in this town, and when I said I did, she told me she needed someone to pick her up from where she was staying at the Howard Johnson's. I told her that I didn't live in that area of town so she backed away, thanking me over and over in her halting English. So...as I finished packing up the van, I kept puzzling through the conversation. "She needs someone to pick her up? She's looking for a carpool?" I finally decided she must have used the wrong words and was looking for a ride back home, not a "pick up". I casually looked for her while I put the grocery cart up. I saw her sitting on the curb crying.
Feeling all of about 2 inches tall, I went up to her and knelt down and asked her if she could call a cab and I offered her some money for one. She immediately shook her head. She was not about to take any money from me. I asked her if she worked at the store (yes) and how she got to work that day. She had walked. For an hour. And through her tears she told me she'd worked two jobs that day and was very tired. I insisted she let me give her a ride home and she finally came with me. She is a student from Romania, here for the summer to experience America and earn some money. A few miles down the road, she starting to cry again and was obviously humiliated and very embarrassed that she not only needed my help but that she was crying in front of me. She suddenly insisted that I drop her off at the Wendy's we were passing because she knew there were "nice people" working there that would help her. I tried to convince her to let me drive her to her hotel, especially since there was an imminent thunderstorm brewing. She wouldn't hear of it. She could barely look at me by this point and jumped out of the van very quickly when I dropped her off. As I drove off, I saw her sit down on the curb in front of Wendy's and put her head down.
I figured she was OK. Wendy's was actually very close to her hotel, and I think she was staying there with a group of other foreign students.
But I am left feeling just horrible. Horrible, because my first instinct was to turn her away. Somewhere along the way, the lessons we learn growing up about being kind and helping others become overshadowed by distrust. We hear about con artists, about scam artists, about kidnappers and robbers and a world full of "bad guys" who are chomping to take advantage of well-meaning folks. My first instinct upon being approached for help is to be wary, almost to the point of totally shutting myself off.
And while some of this is "necessary", many people will argue, including my intellectual self, I hate it. Hate.it.
We (I) have become so afraid to be truly open to our fellow humans that I am afraid I am building myself into an ivory tower. I can give clothes to the Salvation Army, I can donate to a million causes (over the internet, noless!), I can write letters and be a real "do-gooder". While never coming into direct contact with another human being. Isn't there something wrong with that? When did charity become a theoretical event? When did "lending a helping hand" become virtual?
There are so many ways to build bridges between each other and form a real community. Helping out our neighbors, our fellow humans should be a way of life, not something that deserves praise or accolades, in my opinion. It should just .be.
No answers here - just stewing, and feeling more than a little sad about how fear leads us away from community.
4 comments:
Ooh - I hear you on this. It's so hard.
I've thought a bit about societal danger recently. My brother-in-law freaked over my nephew (20!) going to an internship in Chicago this summer! He kept talking about how dangerous it was, and didn't want him to go. (He went and has had a great time.)
I don't think that we, as a society, are particularly more or less dangerous than at any other time - I think with advancements in communications, we do know more about dangers, however. I think that clouds our willingness to be open to others - it makes us think the world is more dangerous and makes us hold back when maybe we shouldn't.
How do we teach our kids about appropriate risk taking in this kind of climate? How do we explain gut instinct and calculated risk - that is, street smarts - when we are all so afraid all the time?
I don't know how to find the balance in this. I don't know that I would react any differently than you did.
Great post Jen, very thought provoking. I had a homeless man approach me last week while at a carwash and I instinctively thought about my purse in the front seat with the door unlocked. He walked up to me and asked me a question but I couldn't hear him over the hose and I ended up just shaking my head and he walked away. I felt horrible but he stank of alcohol and I was next to a deep, shady creek away from the road and felt very vulnerable. But i did feel guilty about it. But you also have to be smart and be safe and sometimes your instincts just take over...
You did the right thing. And, you are very perceptive. What an interesting experience. I always want to offer people rides because I rode the bus for years and know how rough it can be.
I'm reading Gulliver's Travels and there's a part in there where the society's highest crime is not theft, but fraud, because it creates a culture of distrust. I think that's what's happened to us. It's not that our possessions are so important, but that we are fearful of being takend advantage of or mislead or harmed when we have our guard down. It's v. sad.
I know how you feel, Jen. You did probably more than I would have done. When I see the guys on the street corner approach my car, I inconspicuously roll up the window. Not because I don't want to talk to them, but because I'm ashamed to say no.
It is very sad. I'd like to be more trusting of people, and more giving to people.
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