the kink in the journey

A very effective way for me to work off stress is to walk. For years and years, I have gone on long walks and used the time to let my brain decompress. When I first started working, I was living alone with my first baby Callias, my australian shepherd. I would take her with me and we would wander together for literally hours through the woods and trails in the enormous city park I lived near. I'd wonder what kind of life I was starting to build - whether I'd made the right call with my career in atmospheric science, and I'd wonder (despair) if I'd EVER find the right person to marry. When I was working on my PhD, I'd walk and walk and wonder if I would EVER finish the blasted thesis and if it would be anywhere close to good enough. I'd wonder why I was putting myself throught this turmoil. I'd equate my academic journey with my walks and strive to convince myself that I really was making progress and going somewhere. I remember in particular my walks during the fall through the gorgeous autumn colors, and the air with just a hint of chill in it. I'd have such a pleasant mix of anxiety and anticipation in my heart. I could feel that my life was unrolling in front of me, and there was much excitement there.

I walked and walked in the months before my wedding, making plans in my head and wondering what lay ahead for me. Were we doing the right thing? Really? How could I possibly know if this person was going to be "the one" for the rest of my life? Was it all just one big guess? A foolish leap? When I moved away from the city park, I simply changed to taking walks during the day at work. We're blessed with plenty of trees around the center, some of which are amazingly old and huge, so it was a fine substitute for the park.


(Here's one of the awesome old trees that was totally devastated by Hurricane Isabel in 2003.)



I remember walking in frustration when DH and I were trying to buy our house and were hitting the all-to-be-expected home-buying obstacles. I would walk during these times and smell the sweet air and feel the sun and tell myself that everything really would keep moving along, and that before I knew it, I'd be done with my current challenge. I walked and walked when I was suffering from health anxiety and felt for certain I was afflicted with chronic disease (an all-too-real illness in and of itself, I finally learned). I walked when I was pregnant and was exploding with anticipation and anxiety over bringing an entire new HUMAN into the world. I walk, I walk.

So today after lunch, I headed out for a walk along my normal route as I've done tens or hundreds of times before - across the street, down and around the sidewalk and behind the warehouse where my division was forced to live for a year during renovations. I walked, and realized something was missing. Because recently, my walks have been entirely peaceful. I smell the sweet air and feel the sun on my skin, and just bask in the fact that...I am. Well gee. Things are good and right and I am ... happy. And I don't know what to do with that.

It feels odd.

This is what I spent time thinking about on my walk today after I realized I was at peace. We are programmed to think that life is all about overcoming obstacles, that it is the process of getting somewhere that should be our goal, that when we feel are there and there and we are at peace, we are not sure, then, how exactly to live. How do all the fairy tales END after all? "And they lived happily ever after." Once you are happy, you are done, apparently. This is the basis of so many religions, too. We are "stuck" here in this supposedly sinful, awful world and the goal is ultimately only reached at the end of the journey, when we die and move on to another place. How much must we miss, by focusing on the idea that we must be on a journey to chase that elusive happiness?
How much are we missing by focusing on the wrong thing?

I don't think that things need to be perfect in order to be happy. There are plenty of changes I would love to make in my life after all - the current administration being a big one, of course. I could do with fewer problems that my loved ones are having, and it'd be great to have children that don't explode into tears when their sibling breathes the wrong way. I think peace is less about having what you desire and more about desiring what you have. Or at least accepting it. Desire is probably the wrong word. Maybe I should say "happiness is about having what you have."

I had my job performance review last week. It was all good. I had a very good paper published last month, and thanks to my awesome team leader who brings in funding for the three of us and keeps us excited and interested in our work, we have been productive. Dave (my boss) gave me all the obligatory kudos and then asked me, "Is there anything that is bothering you? Anything we can make better for you?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing - things are good."

He persisted, "Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years? What training can we offer you? What kind of career path plans do you want to make? Where do you want to be?"

I shrugged again. "Um. Dave, I am there. I am already doing exactly what I want to do. I'm happier at work than I've ever been before."

He nodded and my performance review was over. But you know what? I felt uncomfortable. What kind of loser has no ambition, no plans? Does feeling content equate with apathy? With stagnation?

How is it that we humans set out on a journey to find happiness and peace, but have no understanding at all of what to do if we find it? Are we focused on the wrong thing? Do we suffer forever from the "grass is greener somewhere over yonder" syndrome? How is it that I should feel wrong for wanting to stay where I am?

I'm feeling very Buddhist today. It's not the journey. It's really not. It's that we are.