It's time for some good old blog therapy now. Part of the reason I started this blog was for personal therapeutic purposes. Which might also be defined by some as "whining", but I feel better saying "personal therapeutic purposes."
I have several compartments to my life: work, family, friends, church, school, etc. I've noticed that while they are apparently entirely separate on the surface, things seem to either be going well in most of them or really crappy in most of them. I've had a few pretty good weeks. The skids were greased, I was productive, and having a good time. But over the course of the last few days, the compartments have been dropping like flies. People not following through on their promises, mistakes and pressure, disappointment, hurt (smooshed) feelings... I'm getting pelted one by one and woke up with a knot in my stomach and a general feeling of being totally pissed off and ready to cry all at once. So I was driving up to UU this morning to teach a class I really didn't feel like teaching and feeling very sorry for myself because I am so horribly abused and unwanted and mistreated, you see.
I see myself standing here holding the ends to all the threads of my life, trying to carefully orchestrate, and they start snapping one by one. Why is that? The threads are all independent. There's no way one thread snapping can affect the others except for the one common factor which is myself. And I wonder if it is only that my perception of things is being skewed lower and lower with each break so that relatively minor disturbances end up snapping the remaining threads, or if I'm in fact sabotaging myself - setting myself up for disappointment and hurt feelings? Makes you wonder. Of course, it may be that it's entirely coincidental. Who knows.
Plus, I still like to hold tight to that illusion that I, in fact, do have some control over my life so the snapped threads are also a reminder to me that I must have somehow screwed up somewhere.
Whatever the case, none of these things are really important enough in the big scheme of things to leave me lost and sobbing and holding a bunch of broken threads. So writing this out is the first stitch toward weaving them back together and getting back at the reigns.
And let's hope the next time things start to pummel me from all sides that I'm not feeling quite so, um, metaphoric(?)...
4 comments:
I totally relate--this IS how it tends to go. What an interesting way to put it. I like the image of holding threads. Just a few random thoughts--people burn out by the end of the school year? They are not at their best--plus it's JUNE--month of many celebations (we are booked every weekend until the end of the month--graduations, birthdays, Father's day etc.)
It may also be that you have too much on your plate--it's a delicate balance. who knows. I am rambling here:-). All I have is a big BTDT and a big HUG. OH, and you rock. even when you whine:-)--LT
Thank you!! I needed that hug.
Jen
You can do it, Jen. It's not easy, especially when you're a working mom (INFINITELY harder than being a working dad, let me just say) but you are dedicated and driven and intelligent enough to make it work.
I think you need a vacation. Wanna go to Puerto Rico?
Ruthie,
I'm there. Name the time.
(Thank you...)
Jen
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