blindsided

Yesterday was a lovely day. We've had a week of cold rain, and yesterday was bright and sunny and in the 70s. Yesterday, I took the day off from work to get my hair colored and cut, and to finally get to the doctor for my annual physical. It was a slow day, and spring was in the air.

Yesterday was a lovely day. Yesterday, my colleague and friend took the day off from work to kill herself.

She was almost exactly my age, and was born in Japan. I've worked with her for nearly a decade. She was one of the most private people I've ever met. That doesn't mean she wasn't friendly - she was warm and interested in everyone she met. She just didn't share anything about her personal life. She was exceedingly athletic and worked hard to stay in shape. She routinely crushed my office mate in badminton. In fact, she would travel up and down the east coast playing in badminton tournaments, and would win. Her research was highly respected. She was beginning to make a splash. She modeled impacts of aerosols on the atmosphere, which is a crucial part of climate change. She was working with satellite groups and global modeling groups to study this, and everyone enjoyed working with her. She got her green card just last week, and colleagues gathered in her office for cake to celebrate. She'd been trying to get her green card for about 8 years. Seems like things were falling into place for her.

We locals always thought of her and were concerned to make sure she wasn't lonely. She lived alone and was in infrequent contact with her parents in Japan. She was always invited to holidays with someone from work. She occasionally came to my house for Thanksgiving, and would bring sushi. She would always bring presents for my children - often with a Japanese twist, and they loved her. She would sit and talk with them and would LISTEN to what they told her. She was very cared about. I have been at home receiving emails and making phone calls all evening. "Shocked" is an understatement.

Being at work today was surreal. I work with a bunch of scientists. Pocket protectors and glasses held together with tape are realities. Most of us wear jeans and t-shirts to work, and there is a passionate love for science - for discovering the truth. As such, no one has much time for frivolity. As you might expect, people are very logical. Today, however, our clumsy and soft innards were exposed. Managers were wandering the halls, trying to make sure "everyone was ok" in an obvious attempt to find a way to stay busy. We ended up going out to lunch together. It took no less than one hour for us to organize ourselves and decide where to go. None of us were capable of making a decision. After spending the morning in stupors, all we wanted was community. We needed to talk about her and talk about our children and reconfirm our connections. I made phone calls tonight that were hard to make. I've seen very strong friends dissolve into tears. Phone calls and emails have come in all day today from colleagues across the country as the word spread. Ours is a smallish, tight-knit community.

As I learn more, circumstances surrounding her suicide are complicated and painful. There is the stuff for soap operas here. There are some people at work that I am very worried about; some highly respected and competent scientists. Life for some people has been shifted to an entirely new phase. Things will never be the same. Most of us have been at work for 15-20 years. I think back to decade(s) ago and the innocence of what is to come for we new green wannabies makes me weep. If I could hit rewind and if we could redo, could anything really be different? Is there anything we could have done to stop it? One very intuitive colleague tried. She contacted as many professionals as she could think of and willingly let herself be seen as the hysterical worry-wart. It didn't help. My friend is still gone.

I have so many thoughts about today, but for now grief is all I can see. I don't know why this happened. The caring was there, the compassion was there. We were not blind. We were not stupid. There are times, I believe, where all the human intelligence and compassion and intuition is not enough. And that sucks.