the cake is GONE once you've eaten it.

I will be going to Cold Lake Canada (Alberta) for a week this summer as part of the second deployment for our airborne campaign at work.

...because it is more equitable.
def: Just and impartial. Fair and reasonable.

Ouch. I'm still feeling the sting.

I began down the road of becoming a scientist well before I'd given any thought to the realities of being married or having kids, much less to how I felt about balancing a career with having a family. My simple single life simply evolved into a science career, and I was thrilled about that. I ended up defending my thesis two weeks after my honeymoon. And then a year or so later, my first baby was born.

I tried to make things work with the status quo for about 18 months after my son was born before I admitted that I do not do misery well. One afternoon after I visited my son at daycare on my break and then had to leave him to go back to to work (again), I dried my tears, lifted my chin, threw back my shoulders, and marched over to human resources to switch to part-time hours. I called my husband to inform him of what I'd done after I did it. It seems a very spontaneous decision, but I can assure you that there was no decision, really. I absolutely knew that this was the only move for me to make.

That decision made it clear to my coworkers that my babies came first, and you know, I didn't encounter the tiniest bit of opposition to that. In fact, the support I received was overwhelming. I nursed my babies, I spent my days off packing them into their strollers and taking them to play groups. We played Candyland and ate crackers and made cookies and drank hot chocolate while we sat outside and watched the rain. I took naps on my day off when I was pregnant with my daughter and read stories and had a full arsenal of craft supplies ready for making popsicle stick picture frames with hot glue guns and sparkly pom-poms. My decision, my priority order, was not only acknowledged by my coworkers and neighbors and friends, but it was celebrated and supported.

These days, my children are older (9 and 12). My children are no longer babies. And now I find that the impression by others of their need for me is vastly different than it used to be. The label I used to proudly wear - that of mother first and scientist a close second - is no longer a badge of honor.

Every mother of preteens knows that the idea that the work load of caring for children decreases as they approach the preteen years is ridiculous. I have spent seemingly every weekday evening for the last three months schlepping children between baseball and soccer games and girl scouts and piano lessons and jazz band and Odyssey of the Mind and birthday parties and the library and craft stores to buy supplies for projects. We do counseling and homework and watch TV shows together at night. They don't need me to wipe their noses anymore, but they do still need me to help dry their tears. The question is, apparently, whether I still need to work less than the normal "full time employee" in order to care for my children effectively...and the question is whether that is something to be valued anymore.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself - I'm really not.

My coworkers have me completely and totally shut out in the area of travel. Wonderboy has been working at headquarters for three days a week for the last two YEARS, leaving his wife and three young boys back here at home for that time. GC has been out of country for probably a total of 2 months this last year, maybe more. He will be on travel for the next 6 weeks, part of which is the summertime ARCTAS deployment. Wonderboy has a wife who stays home with his kids for the most part. GC has a son in high school.

My job requires travel. I have an amazing, exciting job. We measure species in the atmosphere from regions all over the globe. We probe places that are polluted and places that are remote. We find surprises and we make new discoveries. We collaborate with a broad spectrum of scientists from all over the globe and have international conferences where we present our in-progress results. To really do this job effectively, you need to be able to travel. And it really is not fair to expect my co-workers to do all the traveling for me. Is it?

I made it clear long ago. that I was not willing to travel while my kids were young. I told everyone that. And that was OK as long as I had babies, because they needed me "more". But they're not babies anymore. So that immediate "need" is not there. I suppose.

When I wrote my proposal for this campaign last year, I did not put in plans for myself to travel. I discussed this with Wonderboy and GC and they assured me that they were happy to travel and do the in-field work without me (again). Then a few months ago, they changed their minds and convinced me I really needed to go to Alaska, and this week, they changed their minds and have been working on me to go to Canada.

I spoke to Wonderboy privately about it today and told him I could probably work out the travel if it is truly necessary. He said he thought it was necessary - to take some travel pressure off of GC, and also he thought it would help because GC was feeling the travel arrangements have been "inequitable."

Though the temptation was strong, I did not flip him off nor did I flip off GC when I walked back to my office.

Inequitable? WTF?

Part of me wants to throw every last brick I can at them with every last feminist-driven, family-first, mother ounce of strength I have in my body. Part of me wants to ask them how much time they devote to the PTA or how much time they spend arranging schedules and cleaning rooms and folding laundry and packing lunches. Who does grocery shopping and makes dinner in their homes? Who organizes birthday parties and sleepovers? Who makes doctor and dentist appointments and buys school supplies? (I honestly don't know but I can make an educated guess and I bet I'm right.) But I didn't flip them off because part of me actually understands.

One thing that I've learned in my life so far is that despite all the feel-good feelings and warm fuzzies and empowerment rushes, you can not have your cake and eat it too. It's ridiculous. Once you eat it, it is gone. It's not that complicated. It's impossible.

There is only so much time in each day. It is not possible to devote yourself full-time to your kids and also devote yourself full-time to your career. It's not. You can make priorities, which means you make choices and concessions. There's not a right or wrong - there are only your personal choices. But no matter what the choice, in order to get something, you give something up. It's simple.

I'm making my plane reservations for Cold Lake tomorrow. It's only for one week this time and it'll be fine. But still it sucks. Despite being "Equitable."