stripping myself bare

I went back and read some of my older posts this weekend from months and months ago and dammit, but I used to write about some interesting stuff. I really want to be there again.

I've written about global warming recently, and about my life as a scientist, and I always write about my kids. I have not, however, written about my spiritual life for a while. And that is mainly because it is currently fraught with feelings of bitterness and anger and feeling quite sorry for myself and feeling very, very disappointed with what was my chosen spiritual home. I feel comfortable as an individual, but I feel so lonely because what I thought was the right place for me ended up not being so, despite my really, really wanting it to be.

Until about 7 years ago, I had not realized there was a chance in hell for my ever feeling a connection to a spiritual home ever again, not since I realized (when I was in my mid 20s) that I could not feel honest with myself about believing in a supernatural being (i.e. "GOD"). While I felt supremely comfortable with myself in this belief, I felt very out of place in the larger societal sphere (i.e., my home within humanity). (And yes, that is important to me.) I felt uncomfortable, that is, until I found the Unitarian Universalist church. And I was very happy there for a while. In that place, you are theoretically accepted as having valid spiritual beliefs whether those beliefs encompass Jesus Christ dying on the cross to save the world, or whether you believe in the Buddhist philosophy or whether the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster serves your spiritual needs. In that place (UU), we are all theoretically accepted as valid spiritual beings and there is an environment of tolerance that I craved not only for myself but most especially for my children. I enrolled my kids there in the religious education program in order for them to learn about love and tolerance and differences and the universe. I dove into the culture there, wanting to give more than I took.

And guess what? I definitely got what I wanted. I gave more than I took. Big time.

I terminated my membership there last month. And as a result I feel very sad. But I can't see that there was another way.

For my last 1.5 years there, I sacrificed my own spiritual feeding in order to teach the high school youth there at UU. I loved those HS kids. But it took a lot out of my own life. A lot. I spent countless Saturday nights frantically trying to piece together a lesson for the next morning because I did not like the curriculum we were using, and I did so at the expense of spending time with my own two kids. Forget spontaneous camping trips to the mountains. Forget Sunday mornings sleeping until we woke up without an alarm. I gave those days away. I also spent countless Sunday mornings teaching the the YRUU's in place of attending services and being spiritually fed myself. And when I finished my term of teaching? A little more than 3 months ago? I heard nary a word, nary a thank you, nary a "we'll miss you." N.O.T.H.I.N.G. The silence from this "loving" congregation was deafening. I felt ... absolutely.nothing ... from the other members there. Nothing.

After three months of a self-imposed hiatus from church this summer, the only correspondence I actually received were two emails, both asking me to commit (again) to volunteering more of my time with the youth. (My answer was "no," to the emails but in my reality was "hell no.") No one asked me how I was or where I had been or more importantly, how my children have been. There.Was.Nothing. No one was curious as to why I was no longer attending. The only question I heard was whether I would commit to continue to "serve."

And that? That was the end of it for me. While UU is the closest "church" I've found to meshing with my personal understanding of life and the universe, I decided that it was ultimately more about creating a beautiful image of itself and was less about being interested in the real people that are looking for a community to belong to.

I did hear from the UU ministers after I terminated my financial pledge. But you know what? I (notably) still have NOT heard a thank you from anyone for the time I gave. ANY ONE. for the freakin' YEARS that I spent giving in that congregation. I am speechless. And I am mad. And I realize that the caring that is espoused there is less toward the people and more toward the philosophy. And I am so not about that. There's more, too, that has upset me but I'm not going to get into that here.

I love so many of the people that go to that church. But I don't know that this is something I can get over. I really miss the sense of belonging to a spiritual community. But I realize that in the sense that is important to me, I never belonged anyway.