tonight

I remember the presidential election between Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter in 1980 very clearly. I was 16 and had no clue about politics, really. I did, however, understand that I was entranced by the happening. An ENTIRE COUNTRY was focused on the common goal of electing their next leader. I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to tally the returns and color in my little map with red and blue. Well, I colored it in red that year. Lots of red. I remember sitting by myself on the floor of our living room in the early morning hours, just awestruck at the whole process. (That race was never in question, so you KNOW I was all about the event rather than the outcome.)

I'm still like that (with somewhat more thought put into the actual issues). I'm no longer rooting for the guy that's already winning. I have much clearer ideas about how I want the election to turn out.

I care so much this year that I'm afraid to hope. I still remember the tears pouring down my cheeks as I drove home from work the day after elections two years ago, realizing that we had to endure four more years of our current president. When I went to vote this morning, I found that I was fighting back tears as I stood in the voting booth. I filled in the marriage amendment circle first, and thought about my many lesbian friends who are busy being model citizens and raising children and who want a happy life like most everyone else, and I swallowed back a lump in my throat. I voted against our senator and thought about the war in Iraq and tilted my head back quickly so tears wouldn't screw up the ballot (lordy, how would I explain *that* one? ( Well, sir, I was just don't know how my ballot ended up so soggy! I really don't!)

As the hour approaches that the polls are closing across the county, and results are poised to be reported back to us, I've got the state election return website bookmarked on my computer. I've got the TV set on various news channels that will be going over the returns, and going over them and over them and over them. And I'm trying to convince myself that the really big thing is that we have voted today. We have spoken. But I know deep down that if things don't change with tonight's results - if the country rubberstamps what has been going on for the last 6 years, part of that optimistic side of myself will finally shrivel up and die.

Sigh.

So here we go. No map to color in tonight (I gave that up after the whole Gore/Bush debacle and ended up having to recolor Florida with my son). But there is a lot at stake and I care. Very much.