graffiti

Someone got let loose with colored sidewalk chalk on the NASA site Monday night. So I came into work Tuesday passing graffiti such as "SMILE!!" and "DANCE ACROSS THE ROAD!!" and "YUM YUM FOOD" (in front of the cafeteria) and "I LOVE NASA" in front of the mail box, all in pastels. As I walked up to my building, I passed up "SMILE, YOU'RE SAVING THE EARTH!!!" and "SCIENCE ROCKS!!"

Very odd. Puzzling. Seriously. Is this a new way of inspiring the work force? I did get a laugh out of it, so I suppose it probably accomplished what it was supposed to.

cocooning

What a nice week I've had!
The kids' babysitter is on vacation so I stayed home all week. I leave for Cold Lake tomorrow, so the extra play-time with them was well enjoyed.

It's been simply me and Q and E cocooning all week. We did Water Country together, went to the movies, went out for lunch several times, spent an afternoon at the Air and Space museum, and topped it off with a carousel ride and ice cream. We've watched TV together at night and tried a few board games. They are making me dinner tonight for my birthday, and made a wonderful and perfect homemade triple-chocolate fudge birthday cake with chocolate chip icing for dessert. As for the dinner, it's stir-fry and baked potatoes and smells fantastic...very possibly the best thing I've ever smelled...largely because it is nearly 8 pm.) I'm having to keep DH on a tight reign so he doesn't blow from the food deprivation, but he is controlling himself well.) The kids are so proud of themselves and I feel very pampered.


Speaking of my trip, this part of ARCTAS (based out of Cold Lake Alberta, Canada) is focused on the impact of biomass burning emissions on the Arctic. So far, it's been a lucrative campaign - fires are quite active and it's been fairly easy for the aircraft to find them and follow the plumes to get measurements of the chemical evolution. I'm not nearly as excited about the trip out there this time as I was for the spring portion in Fairbanks.

May be I'm not prepared for barracks living or cafeteria food (poor, poor me, eh?).

Mostly, I'm not done cocooning with my "babies", I think. I'm in mom mode and not ready to shift focus.

work and play

I head up to Cold Lake, Canada in a few weeks for the second phase of ARCTAS. Generally speaking, government funding for our proposals has been shrinking in duration over the last decade. Used to be that you'd be awarded funding to cover 3 years of work. The norm now is 2, and oftentimes it's only for 1. This is bad, bad, bad. It means that the average researcher has to spend an increasing amount of time writing new proposals (this is a significant amount of time). It has also resulted in our having participated in what is verging on one airborne campaign per year for the last 3 or 4 years. Ultimately, this means that time spent actually looking at and analyzing the data from past campaigns is disappearing. Frustrating. My group should have a break after this one though, for at least a few years. I think our funding is in good shape for the next 2 or 3 years so maybe we can lie low and do some real thinking work for a bit.

On the other side of my life-coin:
Yesterday was the last day of the school year for my kids. E came home with red, watery eyes from crying the whole way home on the bus. I gave her lots of hugs and understood. She had an awesome teacher this year. Only later when we were snuggled on the couch watching TV together did she tell me she was really crying because she hadn't told a certain boy that she loved him and now wouldn't see him until the fall. Great. Here I was getting all mushy over remembering being young enough to love your teacher until it hurt.

We celebrated by going to a Girl Scout bridging ceremony where the highlight was a little girl tossing her cookies during the middle of it (BLEAH!) and then watching a 2nd round playoff baseball game. Q hit ANOTHER triple. That's something like 4 (or 5?) games in a row. It could have been an in-the-park homerun but Q had to slow down so he wouldn't pass the kid running in front of him. I'm not a proud mom or anything. Just sayin'.

Le c'est finir

Last.PTA.meeting.

Done.

It was nice. It was a lovefest, as the last meeting of the year often is. I presented our principals with 8 new Shel Silverstein books for the library, from the PTA board. The principal gave me flowers and chocolate, and the incoming president gave me lavender bath oil and chocolate. I gave each old and new officer an herb I picked out especially for them, based on the symbolism of the herb. Sage (wisdom) went to an ex-president who helped me mightily this year; Lemon Balm (socialability) to our secretary, whom I am very fond of; Thyme to our incoming secretary for courage (she ran our first ever silent auction this year); Dill to one of our new VPs for survival (she's an under-the-radar type who was a little nervous about being on the board); AllSpice for dear neighbor M (compassion)...which was perfect except I couldn't find an allspice plant so I got her a jar of dried allspice and a rosemary plant instead which can mean loyalty and friendship; Fennel for staying-on treasurer for longevity; and lavender for incoming president for devotion.

If the day and night are such that you greet them with joy and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet scented herbs that is your success. All nature is your congratulations.
(Henry David Thoreau)

Yes, I'm glad I did it. We had a very successful year...we tried a lot of new things and a lot of them worked very well. We're set with a good board for next year. There. (big sigh). All done.

Now I just need to get through tomorrow's talk for our external peer review panel at work. My slides are ready, but I need to rehearse getting through it in 20 minutes. Should be doing that right now but my brain and body are on strike. One of these days, I'm hoping I'll feel normal again. I've not read a book or knitted for about 1 1/2 years (could be due to too much time spent on the internet as well as being overly committed...you think?). In any case, I'm ready not to be responsible. I looked, but can't find an herb that symbolizes irresponsibility or laziness. If I had, I'd have bought it for myself in a heartbeat. Deadbeat. My new identity.

the cake is GONE once you've eaten it.

I will be going to Cold Lake Canada (Alberta) for a week this summer as part of the second deployment for our airborne campaign at work.

...because it is more equitable.
def: Just and impartial. Fair and reasonable.

Ouch. I'm still feeling the sting.

I began down the road of becoming a scientist well before I'd given any thought to the realities of being married or having kids, much less to how I felt about balancing a career with having a family. My simple single life simply evolved into a science career, and I was thrilled about that. I ended up defending my thesis two weeks after my honeymoon. And then a year or so later, my first baby was born.

I tried to make things work with the status quo for about 18 months after my son was born before I admitted that I do not do misery well. One afternoon after I visited my son at daycare on my break and then had to leave him to go back to to work (again), I dried my tears, lifted my chin, threw back my shoulders, and marched over to human resources to switch to part-time hours. I called my husband to inform him of what I'd done after I did it. It seems a very spontaneous decision, but I can assure you that there was no decision, really. I absolutely knew that this was the only move for me to make.

That decision made it clear to my coworkers that my babies came first, and you know, I didn't encounter the tiniest bit of opposition to that. In fact, the support I received was overwhelming. I nursed my babies, I spent my days off packing them into their strollers and taking them to play groups. We played Candyland and ate crackers and made cookies and drank hot chocolate while we sat outside and watched the rain. I took naps on my day off when I was pregnant with my daughter and read stories and had a full arsenal of craft supplies ready for making popsicle stick picture frames with hot glue guns and sparkly pom-poms. My decision, my priority order, was not only acknowledged by my coworkers and neighbors and friends, but it was celebrated and supported.

These days, my children are older (9 and 12). My children are no longer babies. And now I find that the impression by others of their need for me is vastly different than it used to be. The label I used to proudly wear - that of mother first and scientist a close second - is no longer a badge of honor.

Every mother of preteens knows that the idea that the work load of caring for children decreases as they approach the preteen years is ridiculous. I have spent seemingly every weekday evening for the last three months schlepping children between baseball and soccer games and girl scouts and piano lessons and jazz band and Odyssey of the Mind and birthday parties and the library and craft stores to buy supplies for projects. We do counseling and homework and watch TV shows together at night. They don't need me to wipe their noses anymore, but they do still need me to help dry their tears. The question is, apparently, whether I still need to work less than the normal "full time employee" in order to care for my children effectively...and the question is whether that is something to be valued anymore.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself - I'm really not.

My coworkers have me completely and totally shut out in the area of travel. Wonderboy has been working at headquarters for three days a week for the last two YEARS, leaving his wife and three young boys back here at home for that time. GC has been out of country for probably a total of 2 months this last year, maybe more. He will be on travel for the next 6 weeks, part of which is the summertime ARCTAS deployment. Wonderboy has a wife who stays home with his kids for the most part. GC has a son in high school.

My job requires travel. I have an amazing, exciting job. We measure species in the atmosphere from regions all over the globe. We probe places that are polluted and places that are remote. We find surprises and we make new discoveries. We collaborate with a broad spectrum of scientists from all over the globe and have international conferences where we present our in-progress results. To really do this job effectively, you need to be able to travel. And it really is not fair to expect my co-workers to do all the traveling for me. Is it?

I made it clear long ago. that I was not willing to travel while my kids were young. I told everyone that. And that was OK as long as I had babies, because they needed me "more". But they're not babies anymore. So that immediate "need" is not there. I suppose.

When I wrote my proposal for this campaign last year, I did not put in plans for myself to travel. I discussed this with Wonderboy and GC and they assured me that they were happy to travel and do the in-field work without me (again). Then a few months ago, they changed their minds and convinced me I really needed to go to Alaska, and this week, they changed their minds and have been working on me to go to Canada.

I spoke to Wonderboy privately about it today and told him I could probably work out the travel if it is truly necessary. He said he thought it was necessary - to take some travel pressure off of GC, and also he thought it would help because GC was feeling the travel arrangements have been "inequitable."

Though the temptation was strong, I did not flip him off nor did I flip off GC when I walked back to my office.

Inequitable? WTF?

Part of me wants to throw every last brick I can at them with every last feminist-driven, family-first, mother ounce of strength I have in my body. Part of me wants to ask them how much time they devote to the PTA or how much time they spend arranging schedules and cleaning rooms and folding laundry and packing lunches. Who does grocery shopping and makes dinner in their homes? Who organizes birthday parties and sleepovers? Who makes doctor and dentist appointments and buys school supplies? (I honestly don't know but I can make an educated guess and I bet I'm right.) But I didn't flip them off because part of me actually understands.

One thing that I've learned in my life so far is that despite all the feel-good feelings and warm fuzzies and empowerment rushes, you can not have your cake and eat it too. It's ridiculous. Once you eat it, it is gone. It's not that complicated. It's impossible.

There is only so much time in each day. It is not possible to devote yourself full-time to your kids and also devote yourself full-time to your career. It's not. You can make priorities, which means you make choices and concessions. There's not a right or wrong - there are only your personal choices. But no matter what the choice, in order to get something, you give something up. It's simple.

I'm making my plane reservations for Cold Lake tomorrow. It's only for one week this time and it'll be fine. But still it sucks. Despite being "Equitable."

alaska

Hi!

I've been back home for a week. Coincidentally, I've also been laying on the couch for a week. Tired is such a simple word for such an all-consuming feeling, isn't it?

I had a good time in Alaska. I also had a bad time. I laughed, I cried, I drove out of town in a frustrated funk (on what turned out to be a frickin' LOOP ROAD. I couldn't even run away correctly that day. I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or drive off a cliff when I figured out what I'd done. L.O.S.E.R. Or just overly sensitive naive one. Whatever). I worked from 8 am until 1 am a time or two, I had dinner with old friends. I wondered why I dared call myself a scientist (nervy). I also wrote a little bit for the Discovery Channel blog...but not as much as I'd wanted. Seems a lot of what I really wanted to say wasn't exactly the right sort of thing for an "official" blog. You know?

I couldn't exactly write about having beers down the hotel hall in the room of the guy that was lead scientist for the DC-8 and laughing at him about how pissed he was that when they were diverted to Iqaluit they discovered that they not only had to share rooms (4+ to a room, and this means sharing rooms with weird and excentric scientists), but also laughing at him at how disgusted he was that there was no beer anywhere nearby (all the while I was smiling at how stereotypically atypical he is with his penchant for bare feet and ponytails. What a good guy. Raises alpacas. Very very smart. Lives life the way he wants.). We also talked a lot about the science, and I felt on-board. It was a nice evening.

I couldn't write about Wonderboy admitting to me at our dinner one night that he thought atmospheric scientists were simultaneously the biggest bunch of alcoholics and vegetarians of any branch of science he's ever seen. I couldn't write about the lively political debates we had at dinner, particularly when Wonderboy, my conservative hero, was there. (I so enjoy talking with him because we are so different but still respect each other. He makes me realize that conservative doesn't always mean dolt. I don't agree with him, but he's got intelligent reasons for his beliefs, which I respect.)

I wrote about the wonders of dog sledding, but didn't post about my trip to Chena Hot Springs or my hike in Denali. Here are some photos:

Here are me and Mian in the hot springs (I was in grad school with Mian YEARS ago, and she's up at NASA Goddard now). Good heavens it was amazing. There was snow all over the place and we were thus in our bathing suits. If there had been seats and drinks served there in the pool, I would have stayed all night. (Apparently, it's one of the primo places for Japanese tourists to go in the winter/spring time to view the aurora. They believe that babies conceived during the aurora have special gifts. So that's why the winter is their busy season.) No conceptions were going on while we were there. We pretty much had the pool to ourselves.


A picture of the hot spring water flowing toward the pool. Very eerie looking.


Icicles.

Two of the six moose we saw on our drive back. Good god, those things are monsterous. My memory of this involves Mian shouting to Gao to stop in the middle of the road, Gao shouting at Mian to GET BACK IN THE CAR, THEY ARE BIG DANGEROUS animals, me frantically rolling down my window and standing up to lean over the car roof to take pictures while Gao was shouting at me that cars were coming and to please get back in the car. OMG, can you say TOURISTS? But they were MOOSE!!!! Like in Northern Exposure!! So cool! Can you even see them?



Me being attacked by one of the vicious sled dogs at Denali National Park. I was so frightened. He was such a brute.


Another one of the vicious sled dogs. Can't you feel the intimidation?


A shot of some of the Alaska range from Denali.


Me and friend Carolyn (University of New Hampshire) hiked for about 1.5 miles in the snow. While it snowed on us. Nice conversation, peaceful setting, mountains, snow, life was/is good.


More later.

blogging from the Arctic

...the subarctic, really.

For the next few weeks, while I am here in Fairbanks, Alaska for a scientific field study to look at the impact of climate change on the Arctic atmosphere, I will be blogging for the Discovery Channel Earth Live webpage. The producer has told me it will go live on Monday, April 7.

The link to the general page is here.

You click on the "From the Field" button to the left of the globe, and then click on one of the pink pins that appears on the globe. (Mine, of course, will be in Fairbanks). I probably won't keep up with this blog much in the meantime. Stop on by and see how things are going up here from time to time! My days so far have been limited to sitting hunched over my computer in a meeting room. Some of those on the aiplanes have gotten to see polar bears trotting across the Arctic Canadian Islands, walruses diving off of the ice and caribou running below during some of their boundary layer (near surface) legs. On Wednesday they'll be flying just by the north pole, and those of you who laughed about us blundering into Russian air space, I'll have you know that Russia has claimed the north pole, so we have to be very careful about where we fly. (Besides, my co-worker filed that particular flight plan instead of me so I can't be blamed).

I'll update when I get the exact link for my part of the Discovery Channel blog...

In the meantime, here's a photo of the DC8. You can see all the inlets for the instruments making the measurements poking out every which way.

international incident schmincident

Alrighty then.

The engines are revving up at work. Our field campaign is already starting to unfold, with the planes out in California for the instrument uploading and test flights. I'll take off for Alaska in about 10 days to join them all out there. My co-workers are getting slightly stressed. Today, WB, who is more or less running this whole show, came in to my office to make sure I was ready to run some of the visualization tools during flight planning.
Me: "Do what?"
Him: (stare).
Me: "ok, got it."
Apparently, the approach here is to nod and remain calm and pretend that I knew all along what I was meant to be doing. He apologized later for being harried. "You're not much hairier than usual" I responded. He didn't even flinch. He's stressed.

All was fine until he started describing the report I would draw up for the navigator after each planning meeting (almost daily).
Me: "The navigator, as in a pilot?"
Him: "Yes."
(silence)
Me:"Are you telling me I am going to be responsible for telling the plane where we want it to be FLYING?"
Him: (smile)
Me: (thinking): Holy CR*P!!

My mom and I had a good rip-roaring laugh over this one. When you hear of the international incident where a government research plane blunders over into Russian air space or runs out of fuel over the arctic ice pack, imagine me in all my insecurity putting together a job resume. I knit, remember.

the wizard of something I suppose

Hello!!!

I'm coming up for air for a brief moment. Here's what's going on. As my faithful readers know, "Wonderboy", who is/was the lead of our small research group, went onward and upward to a temporary (2 year) stint as a science manager up at HQ some time ago.
======================
brief aside here!!!! During a visit from dear ex-neighbor Brad, recently, we had a big "say hello to Brad and give him lots of hugs (that last part was for me who was missing the brother I never had but ended up in fact having despite his moving halfway across the country)" party at a friend's house and Wonderboy was there. (didja get that last sentence?) Somehow, after several glasses of wine, someone mentioned that I had a blog, which was most interesting to several colleagues, including Wonderboy. In a brief instant of bad-judgement, I TOLD Wonderboy that his pseudonym was, in fact, "Wonderboy." Damned wine. He hasn't mentioned it again, so we're all just pretending it never happened.
======================
Anyway, as a result of his absence, I've had to take over the position as group "lead" and act as our liason with other groups. We're a very small group (3 people) with a smallish focus, but we're one that does extremely valuable work (in my totally unbiased opinion). As a result of being smallish and in today's climate of drastically dwindling money for atmospheric science research (yes, REALLY, you global warming skeptics!!! News Flash!! There's NO MONEY in this field anymore!), we need to be very careful to keep ourselves visible so we don't get caught in the giant "sucking into the void of no money/no viability" that smallish research groups are often finding is their fate in this science-unfriendly political climate. This, in turn, means that I have found that I must be willing to spend MUCH of my time on doing extra work (on extremely short notice) for other research groups to "prove" how valuable we are. Now these other groups are invariably very nice people, and very polite and kind, and very good scientists. I value and enjoy working with them. I enjoy chatting on the phone with guys from US coast to US coast from universities and government agencies and such. The egotistical side of myself is also loving the fact that they know who I am and know to come to me. BUT.

This ultimately means that my own research has been put on the back burner while I busy myself proving our worth to the research world.


Now I find myself 3 days from leaving for my conference and my talk for said conference is um....not well formed. More accurately, the TOPIC of my talk is not well formed. Yikes. I have officially but politely held off further requests for model runs by saying we really "MUST" talk about it in San Francisco, I have some great ideas about your work, so let's wait until then, yada yada yada. Meanwhile I am breathing into paper bags and banging my head onto each and every desk in the house and office while desperately trying to retain an air of confidence and "can-do" attitude to keep myself from dissolving into tears. I'll get about 1 hour of Wonderboy's time tomorrow while I'm putting in an extra day of work. I'm trying not to think about actually having to stand in front of my colleagues and say "Um....hi! You all are so pretty!" It'll happen. It always does. Right? I wonder what people would do if I got up there and cried? I could show pictures of my kids or talk about our latest PTA fundraiser.

So today as I was busy spending 5 hours doing what I thought would take 30 minutes, I was briefly thinking about how much I love my work. Seriously. This stuff makes me so happy. I *HEART* my work. I wonder if people know how incredibly UN-romantic science can be and if they really understand how it can be so attractive to people (like me) despite its most decidedly unromantic splendor? For example, I spent hours today looking for a bug in my code because I instinctively felt that the results didn't seem exactly right. My instincts ended up being right (*heart heart heart*), but it did result in a long several hours of meticulous and unexciting decoding. I can't explain why it makes me so happy. It's something like the satisfaction of sucking up the balls of doghair that frolick across my hardwood floors into the vacuum. I feel like I'm shaving off the rough edges and slowly but surely revealing what IS. In all seriousness - I do feel like this.

So there you are. You've been wondering why I've not been posting anything and I regale you instead with the wonder of vacuuming hairballs. It's all perfectly clear to you. Right? (Just like my talk will be to the dozens of colleagues who skip the coffee to come hear my fantabulous insights.)

Bang. Bang. Bang. Pay no attention to the individual in the corner who is banging her head against the desk. She is simply a poor pseudo-representation of the wizard of oz. There's lots of fluff. And loads of wannabe power. There's even a little bit of oomph. Be kind to her. Because she really does mean well and her heart is in the right place. Especially, be kind to her if you happen by her talk at AGU next week. Tell her she's amazing and she rocks. She will smile at you and buy you wine if you tell her that.

hodgepodge

Thank you so much, J, for asking after me.

I'm fine. I've not been up to posting this past week simply because I've been so busy. It's mostly been good things (tm) that have kept me so occupied, so please interpret this as an explanation and not as a complaint. Besides, after being reminded of the schedule that one of my heroes (Ruthie) keeps, I'm hesitant to even mention my own supposed "busy-ness."

Here's one of the good things (tm) I've been busy with:

Fun stuff! Present neighbors and past neighbors with a healthy
(unhealthy?) dose of food and drink and games over a
long, long weekend.

Speaking of games, here's a fun game for you. Can you match the new tat to the face and to the body part?
(I'm so sorry J - please skip this part).




I am SO done with this portion of my mid-life crisis. It hurt WAY too much this time (I'm talking tears squeaking out of the corners of my eyes and finger imprints in the back of the chair. It was a wooden chair). I'm still having trouble making friends with this new tat because of that, in fact. I. Am. All. Done. I got the two symbols I was most interested in making a part of me for the rest of my life. All done. Besides, how can I top walking around the city with dear neighbor M (we had the two smaller tats {there's a hint for you} so we finished something like HOURS before the other two). Anyway, how can I top walking around with her through a somewhat questionable part of the city with her brandishing a package of tampons and ibuprofen and declaring that no one would DARE MESS WITH US NOW.

Work.
O.M.G.

I cried at work today. Wonderboy couldn't tell (I don't think) because we were on the phone. (Maybe he could tell because he suddenly got very quiet and nice). I am so overwhelmed and so out of my element. I did not sign up for this responsibility. I was totally happy with my peon status. Truly. But in the spirit of continuing the work we do, I had no choice but to step up to take the wheel while Wonderboy is away playing with the political types at HQ. Did you know it is impossible to do a full time job in a 24 hour week? It really is. It's official. I am not Superwoman. And the imposter police are welcome to come bludgeon my poor pathetic attempt at being a scientist.

My PTA work is going well but only because I was smart (yay me) about getting the most awesome people ever to work on the committees. So despite the fact that I have no time and I am running around blubbering over feeling inadequate at work, our PTA stuff is busy being fabulous. Is it bad for me to want to take partial credit for that when I'm really not doing very much of the work? Tough. I'm doing it anyway.

Other trivia in the spirit of catch-up?

OMG, my man Mikey Lowell will be back with the Red Sox this year.


(DH is happy too. And J sent me a WOOHOO message today. I feel like I'm a little part of the Red Sox Nation. Sniff.). We're going to try to go to Boston during the next season to attend a game with J and another family we know up there. I can't wait!!! :-) :-) :-) Happy, happy, joy, joy...

My darling sister L is having a fantabulous time in NYC!!!! I got a call from her today as she was wandering around lost in Central Park after two hours of snow falling. She was as happy as I've ever heard her and was drunk on the taste of independence. I'm thinking I may need to drive up to NYC to pry her back to her home. Maybe she'll join me as an east-coaster one of these days??? L, I couldn't be happier for you.

That's most of my catch up. Oh, I lurved hearing dear neighbor M play violin at the St. Caecilia's day music presentation at UU that my dear friend Jamie directed. Got a little tear in my eye over that, too - the pure, pure love of music that Jamie has. They played a piece that Haydn wrote while in Eisenstadt, Austria, which (along with Jamie's eloquent words beforehand) brought back lovely memories of the sunflowers and wine and happiness of Austria. Have I mentioned that I want to go back? Next winter when Jamie and co. have moved back there for a year? So we can try skiing in the Alps? Hm....going straight from east coast slush to the Alps may be a bit of a leap. We'll see.

Lots of good things on the horizon. I'm ignoring CNN and the news and horrors in Bangladesh and worries of global warming and war and stuff that gives me nightmares. For now, I'm all friends and sisters and Mikey Lowell and Austria and new sunrooms. There's a glimpse of my "busy-ness." All good things (tm).

different ways to stretch

Interesting night.

Being PTA president has given me the opportunity to work on skills that I would never have the need to work on otherwise. Mostly, (totally) I'm talking about interpersonal communication skills. At work, I need to get along well with two people (who are mostly carbon copies of my geeky little self anyway) . I've known GC for more than 20 years, so he almost counts as family, and he lets my random days of being a total bitch roll off his back and he hardly notices. Other than him and wonderboy (who I never get snippy with because I think he is the god of science and I shamelessly mollycoddle to him), the rest of my time is spent in front of my computer. I can handle that very easily.

As PTA president, I'm communicating daily with all kinds of people who are vastly different than I am. This means that I'm having to stretch. I'm having to learn to get along with people who don't think like I do and who (gasp) I may not even want to have as a friend, much less be a carbon copy of. This is all a good thing for my growth as a person. It's also very humbling.

I am a huge know-it-all, type-A, in-control little snot for anyone reading this who doesn't know me. (I know!!! I'm hearing the gasps of disbelief all the way over here on the east coast!!! Stop laughing my sisters and mom and dad and Mare.) I like that fact that I know it all. I enjoy being right.

Well.

There is a particular person on my PTA board that I have some trouble relating to. (Dear neighbor M knows EXACTLY who I'm talking about). She's my treasurer this year. I was treasurer for the last two years. So I am all thick and smug in my very vast knowledge of PTA treasurer-dom. I'm the expert, you know. I'm the darling of PTA finances at our school. So at our meeting tonight, I was horrified to discover that she'd written a check to herself to cover startup cash for the cashbox for one of our events. In all of my time spent researching this problem myself, I've never been able to find a decent solution to this issue (can't write checks out to cash, you need a receipt or invoice for all checks written, etc) so I resorted to using my own money for startup cash and reimbursed myself when the event was over. The current treasurer wasn't willing to do this. The nerve!!! I got all huffy at her insinuation that I wasn't actually the know-it-all, and I let her know the error of her ways. What was she THINKING to question my authority? I am the great know-it-all of the PTA!!!! (OK, I wasn't really all that bad. But inside I was thinking all these things).

So I came home and let myself decompress and realized that I was not learning new interpersonal relationship skills this way. I took a deep breath, wrote an email to the state PTA treasurer asking for guidance (copying her) and then sent her an apology. Almost immediately, I received an answer from the state treasurer, basically in support of her position. We are not expected to use our own cash as start-up cash, and really, that's a bad idea. Her way of handling it was the correct one.

So I let her know that. And I thanked her for keeping on me about it and I told her she was right. Ouch.

That was not all that easy for me because I am the PTA treasurer goddess with her slip showing now. Really. I'm a jerk for not opening myself up to the fact that I don't know it all. Well, I'm being awfully hard on myself. I DID, in fact, do that, but only after the fact. I'm not good at interpersonal relationship skills in the heat of the moment - only much later do I become reasonable.

I'm learning. And I'm enjoying that opportunity, really. These are the sorts of things that I never ever ever have to face at work or in other areas of my life. I surround myself with friends who are a lot like me and who think mostly like I do. This is a chance for me to grow in an area I've never stretched myself in before. It's humbling, but it feels good, in the end.

Kind of like the yoga poses we practiced during our program after the business meeting tonight.

(and yes, that was my idea!!! see why I'm such the PTA goddess???) (snort)

imposter police

I have an announcement to make. Today, the imposter police have been temporarily pushed out of my realm. Temporarily, for sure. But still.

The imposter police (tm) frequently visit many women scientists I know. Actually, they seem to have permanently set up house with many of them. They are a busy lot. I have ceased to be amazed and now only laugh when women colleagues of mine confide in me of the feeling that they are not as accomplished or as smart as people seem to think, and that they live in fear that the day is coming that their incompetence will be revealed for the world to see. We all seem to be living on borrowed time. I thought it was only me for so many years.

As an aside, I do know a few men scientists that have admitted to me that they are familiar with the imposter police. I wonder if they haunt men less frequently, or if men are just more loathe to admit to knowing them.

So yes, the imposter police continue to haunt me weekly, if not daily, for impersonating a scientist. Usually.

But this morning I got word that one of my published papers won the award for outstanding paper from my division this year, and then went on to be awarded 3rd place out of my entire research center. (!!! Which is especially pleasing to me since my field of work - atmospheric sciences - is a small fraction of my primarily aeronautical research center. We don't get many of these awards out of my division).

To make it better, I was actually quite proud of that paper. It was one of those that felt "finished" when it made it out the door. How fun that it won some awards!!

So stay out the door for a while, ye imposter police. I'm sure you'll be back, and in reality, part of me is so used to having you around as part of my life that you've become a little bit comfortable and very expected. In fact, you've become a part of my work persona. But I'm learning to use you as ammunition for pushing myself to do better work now (sometimes) instead of always letting you make me cower in the corner. I don't miss you all that much now, but I won't be surprised or even sad when you return. I've got an award to bash in you in the head with if you get too suffocatingly close now.

I felt the earth move...

I would move heaven and earth to spend a day with my DH. And I did the latter.



We have an icky drainage problem in our front yard consisting of a "bowl" just at the end of our septic pipes. Use your imagination. Enough said.

So we're regrading. We had a bet going. I said it would take 12 cubic yards. DH said it would take 4 or at most 5. The good news is that I was right (of course!). The bad news is that I was right. So after an afternoon (a very lovely afternoon, I should add) of back-destroying labor, we're about halfway through our original plan. First DH, and now I, am wondering if what we've done is good enough after all. Just now as I sit here with tingling toes (I think I threw my back out again) and shoulders that hurt when I breathe, I'm thinking it would sure be nice NOT to play Mother Nature again. Erosion, I take my hat off to you. You've got it figured out, baby.

In any case, we're having "the storm of 20 years" moving in this weekend so we'll see how the drainage works. (That, or the fruits of our labor will be washed down into M's yard.)

...and we haven't even started on the 5 cubic yards of mulch in our driveway!! You've gotta love spring!!!

lots o' cheese

I've been perusing YouTube tonight and laughing my ass off at the cheesy 80s videos. Mare - you were one funny chick in college (and still are).
Do you remember this video? I remember how we used to make fun of John Oates for being always in the background and peeking around Daryl Hall, over his shoulder, trying to grab the camera with his eyes, like a muppet... LOL.



And then I can't watch that video without thinking of the Blues Brothers and Dan Ackroyd. That dance...OMG!!!



There is something so absolutely hilareous about both of these guys - John Oates and Dan Ackroyd. They're the second guy. But the whole flavor of the video is there, and is so funny, because of them. Their background antics, especially with the presenation in all seriousness, balanced against the front guy? It's what makes me spew out my Dr. Pepper all over the computer screen when I watch.

And that's my favorite place to be. I want to be moved slightly out of the lead position but be close enough to grab attention. What a totally wimpy cop-out. I want the glory but none of the responsibility. In the event of a success, it can be because I was a great behind-the-scenes help. If it's a failure, I can claim it's because of poor leadership, which is out of my realm of responsibility of course. It's the safest and most fun place to be.

So these days, as I'm running around setting up committees for the PTA next year and listening to suggestions and complaints from various folks about how we do things, I'm recognizing that I've moved out from behind the front guy. I'm no longer in the position of funny, safe background guy. Dammit, but if we fail, I'm at the wheel. Same for work, too. I'm not peeking out from behind Wonderboy any longer. I've been forced out of my comfort zone and into the realm of responsibility in several different areas of my life. All at once.

Frankly, it's a shame, and it's certainly not as fun. Everyone loves the background guy. How can you not like Dan Ackroyd or John Oates? The little guy, bouncing around and having fun behind the workhorse, making you laugh your ass off - they are harmless and plain fun. It's a hell of a lot harder to be loved or admired when you're in the driver's seat.

So how did I end up here? Good question. I'll have to get back to you on that one. I'm not sure it matters ultimately. What I really want to know is whether I'll be able to return to the Dan Ackroyd place again. Maybe we all have to pay our dues and be the fallguy for a while? I don't want to think that once I've moved out of the background that I can't return. I'm not kidding - it is much more comfortable and a lot more fun there.

In the meantime, here is one of my favorite 80's videos to share. I can so perfectly picture Mare mocking this one (we did lots of mocking in college). When the guy does the weird hand motions with the jerky head movements, I nearly split my pants laughing at the memory of Mare making fun of him. The 80's. What in the hell were were thinking???!!!

no sympathy here

Here's a situation for you to imagine yourself in. (This is all totally fictional. Of course!)

You have a day at work where you suddenly realize that all the "talk" about how you are expected to be the leader of your research effort since the original (and very smart and successful) leader has moved on is NOT just talk. You realize in several different ways (which each involve some serious thought and preparation) that the buck stops with you and that whining really only gets in the way of getting the job done. You are exhausted from several weeks of single-parenting because DH has been up in the great white north dancing around in blizzards. (And yes I know that I am really totally wimpy because so many awesome moms that I know are single parents and do this ALL THE TIME. It's just that I am not used to it so being tossed into the fire is burning me.) Um. I mean, in this completely imagined situation, IF this were perchance me...I would be burned.

Your mind is incapable of keeping track of all the things you are in charge of anymore. You have a big science team meeting all week long and you are more than slightly nervous about the fact that you are the go-to person now for your modeling group. A long week of talks and presentations and discussions and working groups is looming (as in tomorrow) fat in the realization that you can't hide in the shadows of WONDERBOY anymore.

Your DH calls to tell you that he will possibly go back up to the great white north blizzard area next week.

You dissolve into tears...in front of your beloved neighbors because your dog escaped the house and you can't catch her. You are found sobbing behind the frying pan as you desperately try to make Salisbury Steak and green beans for dinner because you are supposed to be PERFECT and be able to have it all with no effort at all.

So there's the situation. Here's this fictional mom trying to do too much, to have it all, to be everything. You know what the next step is?

She's nominated for PTA President next year!!!!! Woo-hoo!!! What a great idea!!

Everyone, just pack up all your problems and mail them to me. Apparently, I have such an insanely inflated view of myself that I think I can do it all. Even *I* have no room for feeling sorry for myself. If I'm going to put myself out there in these ridiculous situations, I have to develop the means to handle it. I've got to shut up and just do it.

......whatever.......

For what it's worth, DH was astute enough to figure out that next week was probably a tad too early to head back to South Dakota, so he was able to delay it by a week. He's a smart man, what can I say.

It's the way of life.

Writer's block. Blogger's block. Whatever. That's what I've had this week.

It's not for a lack of things that happen. Oh no. Life is very busy around here.

This week I've been continuing my jump into the very large shoes of WONDERBOY (and I have very small feet, comparatively) so work has been a cornicopia of correspondence with folks scattered all over the world who are looking for just a "few more" sensitivity model runs. I won't lie - I enjoy the fact that I am now the go-to person. But I am acutely aware that I do not in any way fit the shoes that were here previous to me. I miss WONDERBOY horribly. I am still not OK with this latest change in my work situation. If I were an assertive type, this would be the opportunity for me to mark my place in this field. This is the time that I should step to the task and show my mettle. But I am so much not about making a name for myself and so much more about just loving the opportunity to immerse my work-self with highly intelligent people because it's stimulating for me. I'm not in this for the assertive me. I'm in it for the selfish me. Does that make any sense?
It'll all be ok. I just miss the way it used to be. Whine.

I played on the parents' volleyball team at the annual Parent versus Teacher volleyball game at my kids' elementary school. You did read about it in the sports section, didn't you? On the off chance it didn't make it to the national news, unfortunately, the parents lost. Just barely. 1 games to 2, 2 point difference in the 3rd game. And for the record, that had nothing to do with the fact that my daughter's teacher threatened me with failing my little darling when I was across the net from her and I motioned to her that she was going DOOOOOWN. Uh-uh. I have my priorities straight, and I don't play for fun. The best thing, by far, is that I did not embarrass my kids. Quite to the contrary, they came up to me, mouths agape in stunned near-silence and were barely able to squeak out, "Mom? You were GOOD!!" Hooo-hahhhh. Me. My experiece with the infamous Barking Geese (princeton), the Rebels (texas a&m) and the A.S.Demons (current work situation) pays off, finally.

It's not for lack of national news that is pinging on my personal radar.
NASA astronaut mess? Yes, that has been making me sad, for all parties involved. I keep imagining that with just a little tweaking, that could be me. I played with the idea of becoming an astronaut once. (the fact that I am terrified of flying pretty much screwed up that career choice though). Seriously, I did "think" about it in the sense that I realized that was something I could go after if I really wanted to. And I am human, and I can picture myself cracking under the right circumstances and doing something really stupid that very likely would be more an expression of my own insecurities and much less a path to actually harming another person. Anyway. I can see how easy it is to screw up, and to be lucky enough, or more accurately, unlucky enough, to have chosen a particular career that your screw-ups are newsworthy- to have your mistakes deemed worthy of national press? Heavens. Funny. I almost feel guilty that I feel more empathy for the astronaut than the woman who was stalked. I shouldn't. But I do because I can see that for a few flutters of a butterfly's wing, that could be me.

We're all human, ultimately.

DH is in Sioux Falls, SD again. He'll be back Wednesday and then we go skiing and then he'll go back for another week. They'd be enormously happy, apparently, if they were able to convince him to move there. You think I'm holding him back by telling him "We'll miss you?" Love is love is love but...

We had our Survivor night party tonight down at B&K's house. It was great. B and I both independently decided it was time to go with healthy snacks so we had carrots and strawberries and broccoli and no-fat ranch dressing instead of brie and nuts and chocoloate. But always in the background for me is that this is the last season of Survivor that I will have my friends here with me. It's a done deal - they're moving to Wisconsin this summer. I am going to try to approach this as just another wiggle in life's current. I'm not LOSING my friends - Q and E are not LOSING their second set of parents. E is not LOSING the best friend she's had since infancy. They're "just" moving. But SHIT. You know?

It's Life.

the winds smell sweeter

Every day I am at work, I pop over to NASAwatch to see what's up. For the last several years, the news there has inevitably been discouraging, to say the least. Cuts to NASA science. The administration's snubs to earth science. James Hansen being told to quieten down his global warming "rhetoric." More cuts. Will field centers be closed? RIFS. (Reductions in Force, which, essentially, is civil service lay-offs.) You get the idea. We were checking it several times a day when we were in the thick of the RIF possibility. It's been nasty. Last year at the AGU (American Geophysical Union) meeting in San Francisco, we had a big meeting with the Science Directorate bigwigs to address the concerns of scientists. And scientists were CONCERNED in capital letters. There has been much tension in my work world.

So today I checked the site and the first thing I saw was an article about how Barbara Boxer is the new chair of the Senate Environment and Public Works committee. She'll be taking the place of (shudder) James Inhofe, who is the guy who refers people to read "State of Fear" to understand climate science and who calls climate change "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people." (shuddering explained) Anyway, Barbara Boxer's stated priority is going to be "a very long process of extensive hearings" on global warming. I felt a cool breeze brush my face, and it smelled so sweet.

The second article I read was how investigations have begun into whether the Bush administration has attempted to "muzzle" government scientists, and in particular, science on global warming.

I'm not so foolish as to think that this country is going to suddenly become a liberal hotbed of intelligent, long-term solutions to the complicated problems we face. But the flavor of politics is so much more bearable now. I don't feel 100% shut like like I have for the last several years. I don't feel total hostility coming from Washington toward the work I do. Finally, I'm not so afraid to hope.